The Battles we Fight, the Wars we Lose
by Plato's Tragedy
Summary: AU - Josh's daughter has angst. Each chapter is set to some very cool music that paralles the journey of our heroine. I'm constantly revising and updating (newest revision: The color of the bedroom)
1. Intro Victoria by John Mayer

The Battles we Fight, the Wars we Lose  
  
   
  
Summary: An AU that's just an idea that snowballed into this huge story line that has little to do with West Wing except for the characters. I do that a lot. Essential: When Josh was 22 he fell in love and had a child. Now she's 19 and struggle to cope with angsty things. It's a lot better than it sounds, trust me.  
  
Each chapter is written with a song that epitomizes it. This is because the main character (my OC) is very influenced by music and she sees it as an integral part of her life, therefore it's an integral part of the story and therefore I have songs that go with each chapter. My website will have all of the songs in order to be played. I will also have lyrics for each.   
  
Song lyrics: http://home.comcast.net/~mkforever/songs.html  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything here. Not the characters, not the music, not the artists. I only own Tori  
  
   
  
   
  
Introduction – Victoria by John Mayer  
  
   
  
Dear Dad,  
  
             I never believed that life was just a journey we mindlessly travel through, I believe in the fork in the road. I believe that we sometimes need help making the choice between the two paths, and I think that I pushed away all of the people who knew me better and took the wrong path.   
  
            Please understand why I couldn't see you tonight. I nearly lost you once; you nearly lost me twice, now. The thought of you having to see the look of departure in my eyes once again was too much. I couldn't go through with it; even if my better judgment told me otherwise. I know I disobeyed you, and I know it will be hard for you to understand what I request, but please you must trust me. I believe in myself enough to know that seeing you would have stop me from what I have to do.  
  
            I saw Sam tonight because I trust him, and you trust him. I saw Sam tonight because I needed to confirm why I was about to leave, I needed to see his face and have him tell me it was alright and that I was going to make it because I believed him. I needed him to tell you, I said goodbye and that you were right. I wish I could have told you myself, but I couldn't endure the pain.   
  
            I never lived the life I know you wanted me to. I never lived the life I wanted to either. I wanted the nuclear family, the white picket fence, the dog in the front yard…what I got was you, and a climb to the top of the political world, leaving me alone with a heart that was always empty because I lacked something you could never give me. I know you lack that same thing too, and all of the Joey Lucases, and Amy Gardners could never fill the void we both have in our hearts.   
  
            I am your daughter, and I think I understand that now better than I ever have before.  You didn't lose me along the way, I let go of your hand and lost myself. I veered off the path that everyone was telling me to go down. I ran recklessly and selfishly into the woods and almost died for my stupidity. I caused a lot of problems for the administration, and for you. I'm sorry, and there's never anyway I could express that better with any words from the English language. The life I almost threw away seems trivial to the harm I caused for so many other people I love. Tell them that I am sorry too.   
  
            Dad, I love you and always have, even thought you have not always been there for me. So tonight I am leaving, without you, without seeing you, and I will be away from you for a long time. Somehow, it seems like it has always been this way.   
  
            Give my love and apology to all of those I hurt.   
  
                                                            Love,  
  
                                                            Tori  
  
  


	2. Prelude Thank You by Tori Amos

Song Lyrics: http://home.comcast.net/~mkforever/songs.htm  
  
Prelude – Thank You by Tori Amos  
  
Italy has a strange effect on people. It's something indescribable in the air that whispers more then history; there something more than a past in the patina of the buildings, something more than genius in the sculptures and something more than beauty in the oil paintings. To Josh it was escape from all of things that waited for him in America. To Josh, Italy was more than an interesting past; it was the threshold to his future.   
  
Living life, he told himself, was what he planned to do. Gather ye rosebud while ye may before we become the decayed rose petals that lined the street leading Josh to the entrance of an opera house. If he knew what life awaited him inside, would he still have entered? The rose petals that lay strewn about the ground, lost and trampled but holding on to their beauty, seemed to make a river of blood that was pulling him in.  
  
Roslyn was her name, but Josh first knew her as Madame Butterfly; eyes like black pearls, hair like black silk, she was all of the history, beauty, elegance and extravagance that Italy was. Josh, blinded by the love and lust that could not be contained in his 25 year old body, was determined not to leave Italy without her.   
  
It was rash, and rashness was never a trait in the Lyman bloodline. But there was little his family could do; Roslyn was expecting a child and Josh was going to marry her. The shaking heads, and exasperated sighs were small pains for being able to make a life with Roslyn. Everything was planned; they would wait until the baby was born before getting married, Josh would finish Yale, go to law school and then join Debevoise & Plimpton with his father. Together they would raise their child with all of the hopeful intentions of expecting parents. Every night, Josh would lay a hand on Roslyn's stomach and smile, knowing that the life growing was half his and half the best thing that ever happened to him. He knew that his heart, already filled to the brim with love, could only expand exponentially to include this child that was about to become the second best thing in his life.   
  
Eight months later and every day was made perfect for Josh by being able to see Roslyn, even more beautiful now that her face glowed with maternal lover and her womb was the soft round cradle for their child.   
  
And then tragedy came and shoved Roslyn's car off the highway and into a concret wall, it came and smashed all of the windows, crushed the front of the car and launched her body on to the glass carpeted highway, ripping out all life from the women Josh loved. Tragedy carried her lifeless body away on a stretcher.   
  
So what was it then that allowed a baby to be extracted, crying and alive from a body that had already found it's away out of this world? What was it that saved the protective home of their child from sure death?   
  
Josh didn't care about the answer, and through the wrenching tears he saw a premature baby girl that contained Roslyn in her nose, olive skin, black hair but her eyes were mirror reflections of Josh's own amber brown ones. He couldn't distinguish from the overwhelming love and overwhelming agony that he felt looking at his daughter. His heart was ripping, and mending, the blood rushed through him like gold and ashes, making him fall to his knees with the tragedy and miracle that was this night. He named her Victoria, because he knew that life had been tonight's victor in this first battle with tragedy and he had a plan for her to ultimately win the war.  
  
It was seven years before Josh could fully handle Tori on her own. There was something in her face, something in the way she looked at him that made the emptiness of his heart seem to expand and void his whole soul. They lived with Josh's parents until then; Josh did as much work as he could from where he stood, seemingly alone in his devastation. Tori, a quiet child, found her solace in her grandmother's piano or her grandfather's guitar and most nights Josh fell asleep at his desk listening to the echoing chords of Schubert from downstairs. Most nights Tori fell asleep wondering why daddy was always so sad and why she seemed to always feel the same way.   
  
On the day when father and daughter moved to Washington D.C. Tori thought that she was leaving the only home she would ever know, and Josh, somewhere hidden in the place where he still keep his love for Roslyn, had a feeling that it would be true. 


	3. Chapter 1 Elsewhere by Sarah McLachlan

Song Lyrics: http://home.comcast.net/~mkforever/songs.htm  
  
Chapter 1 – Elsewhere by Sarah Mclachlan  
  
The air was thick, hot and sticky like honey, overcast and threatening rain without promising anything. It was terrible uncomfortable without the satisfaction of the beauty of seeing all of the dirty and corruption layered in the brilliant Spring sun and vibrant colors. Tori was striding through it, seemingly unaffected by the heat, headphone cords obvious against her white tank top, bear shoulder, arms, neck layered in a sheen of sweat, a few pieces of black hair disrupting the olive skin. Even when she threw on a light jacket, her legs, inhibited only by a bit of a miniskirt was still turning a few heads. She was mercilessly out of place among the white, aging executives and political power head that littered the streets. Among the suits, tie and balding heads there was a raven haired beauty, with dull eyes behind long eye lashes and eye make up. There, making her way towards the White House was a girl with long legs, a voluptuous body, a wonderfully sumptuous walk and a sad, sad face.  
  
"Hey Tori, want me to tell Josh you're here?" Donna asked.  
  
"Is he busy?"   
  
"I'm never too busy for my only daughter." Josh said grinning, entering Donna's work space. "What do you need? I hope it's not money, because I don't have any."   
  
"No, it's…can I talk to you in your office?"   
  
"Yeah, sure." He led her into his office, and leaned against the desk. Tori was avoiding eye contact, standing meekly in front of the open door.   
  
"I got into Julliard." She said finally. Josh's face went hard, preparing for another argument about college. He sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. "And I want to go there."   
  
"Tori, we've talked about this before." Josh warned.   
  
"I know, but…"  
  
"You're not going to a music school. Study music somewhere else, like Penn, but just don't expect me to pay for an education that isn't going to get you anywhere."   
  
"You don't know that, you just assume it because you've wanted me to go to an IVY League ever since I was born. I guess it's didn't play into your little plan that your daughter may not want to go to an IVY League and study law and become a lawyer like everyone else in the family!"  
  
"Look, I'm already compromising with you by even letting you study music…"  
  
"Well thank you. I'm glad also let me choice what to wear this morning."  
  
"God, you're making me sound like some kind of dictator…"  
  
"Have you ever thought about what I want out of life? Has that tiny detail ever come up when you were mapping out my whole life?"  
  
Josh, knowing that the argument was not nearing a conclusion, just sighed. "We'll talk about this when I come home."  
  
"What, at like 1:00 in the morning?"   
  
"I'm sorry that I have a job that takes up time that you seem to think…" But Tori had already turned around and was hastily walking out the door.   
  
"Whatever." She muttered before she was totally out of Josh's sight. Harsh tears were starting to invade her eyes, but she took a deep breath and pushed everything down, all of the anger, all of the desires, all of the pain and forced it to find a place in her body that was empty of emotion.   
  
"Hey, I heard some yelling…argument?" Tori turned to see Sam heading towards Josh's office.   
  
"Yeah, dad has a plan for my life and I have little part in it." She said shrugging. "I don't know why I bother. All of the arguing in the world won't stop him from making me go to Penn."  
  
"Penn's a good school." Sam answered, helplessly.  
  
"Not for music." She said, and smiled at little.   
  
"Ah." Sam said, sticking his hands in his pocket. He seemed to be pondering over this predicament for a moment, eyes slightly unfocused and looking at his feet. Tori took the opportunity to further study his face, trying to memorize every line of his strong jaw, every color in his blue eyes. It took her back to the campaign a time that was both wonderful and devastating. It took her back to nights when she would be awake, Josh wasn't in the hotel room but Sam was. Tori knew that Sometimes Sam came asking to see Josh even when he knew Josh was not in. Everyone had their person for late night talking, for Tori when Zoey wasn't with them, it was Sam.   
  
"I don't think I can help you there." Sam finally said. "It's probably best I don't get involved in father/daughter arguments."  
  
"Couldn't think of a way to make Josh back down? It's ok, I couldn't either." Tori smiled, a little sad, watching her future turn into pushing papers and writing depositions.   
  
"Sorry. You'll just have to try and make him see you're passion for music."   
  
"Oh he sees it alright, he just hates it." Tori shook her head, "No, it's a losing battle. I better go out and buy some Penn paraphernalia in preparation." She sighed longingly, "Thanks anyways, Sam." Walking away, she knew that Sam was trying to conceal his following eyes, she knew that Sam was denying his attraction to the daughter of the man he loved like a brother.   
  
When Tori came home, the boiled down rage had peaked. She threw herself into her room and just screamed. Her soprano cry echoed around, all of her anxieties vibrating in her throat until her lung has expelled every last bit of air and emotion left in her. She collapsed to the floor, head slowly resting on the side of her bed. Another sigh, and she exhaled the emptiness and then breathed it back in, overcome now by the silence that filled the apartment. It was as if her screams had drained the place of any sound becoming a black hole, sucking in everything that reminded Tori of life.   
  
Forcing her body to move, she desperately reached for her guitar loving the way its wooden curves embraced her. Fingers slide expertly over the strings, forming chords and melodies that replaced the quiet and made her forget the day. Relief was playing from that guitar, wholeness was its song. Tori felt calmer, she felt alive again. How could Josh be afraid of this? 


	4. Chapter 2 Heaven's Earth by Delerium

Song Lyrics: http://home.comcast.net/~mkforever/songs.htm  
  
Chapter 2 – Heaven's Earth by Delerium  
  
"You like Charlie, don't you?" Tori ask, sitting upright on her bed, looking at Zoey, who sat cross-legged on the pull out bed.   
  
"No…" and a smile, "ok, yes."   
  
Tori just laughed, the sounds filling her with a sense of happiness that she hadn't felt ever since her argument with Josh. Tonight was one of those nights no one could ruin. It had been a few hours since Tori and Zoey left the President's chili night. Everyone was bustling, full of energy, it was exhilarating.   
  
"What would your father say?" Tori teased.  
  
"What does he say to any guy that I might want to date? I'm his last little girl, and he doesn't want to see me grow up." Zoey took a sip of her soda, "Ever."   
  
"Well, in three months you're going to be in Georgetown and he really won't be there to stop you from dating." She paused, "or from doing anything else you'd please."  
  
Zoey rolled her eyes. "Right, and then when the press hears about it…" She watched as the grin faded from Tori's face. She smirked.  
  
"You know, I had almost forgotten about that. It's just one of those nights when we can almost pretend we're normal teenagers. Almost."  
  
"Yeah, minus the Secret Service agent in the next room." Zoey lay back against her sleeping bag and pillow.   
  
"I know." Tori sighed, and then began to get up, "Who knows when dad's coming home. We should snabe the TV while we can." Tori stood over Zoey, who just looked at her with inquisitive eyes.   
  
"Do you think Charlie likes me?"  
  
"I think Charlie was scared shitless by meeting the President's daughter for the first time. I mean, I'm not sure there wasn't something behind all of those 'yes ma'am's' but I think it's hard to tell." Tori grinned, and poked Zoey in the stomach. "Come on Z-boe, let's watch a movie and eat ice cream and gain twenty pounds."  
  
"Sounds good."   
  
"Does it freak you out that the President's daughter is sleeping under your roof right now?" Sam asked Josh, standing in his office.   
  
"Well, they probably aren't sleeping…but yes, yes it does."  
  
"'Cause it would freak me out enough to have my boss's daughter sleeping at my house, but I mean when your boss is the President of the United States, whoo-wee, that'd freak me out."  
  
"Well, thank you Sam. I was starting to be OK with it after two years, but I think you just re-ignited the freaking-out-ness." Josh said, now half worried.   
  
"Sorry," Sam said quickly, "Did you just say 'freaking-out-ness'?"  
  
Josh changed the subject abruptly, "Sam, is there something you want?" Sam looked almost startled by the questions,  
  
"No, just coming to chat."  
  
"Go home, Sam. It's 12:00 at night. Why on earth do you want to be hanging around here?"  
  
"I don't know…" Sam looked worried and puzzled over his own answer. "I have no life, right?"  
  
"Go home."   
  
"Okay, I'm going home." Sam started to head out of Josh's office, but turned around almost immediately. "Why are you still here?"  
  
"I'm trying to cram as much work into one night as possible so I can spend my weekend doing absolutely nothing."  
  
"Okay, now I'm really leaving." And he did, heading back to his office to grab his wool coat and bag. Unfortunately, he wasn't thirty seconds out of the door when he heard Toby shout his name, the yell echoing around the empty office and dark rooms. "Okay, I'm not leaving." He entered Toby's office and then left with a stack of papers.   
  
The Communication's Bullpen was quite, void of the normal sounds of activity. Sam mulled over the papers, pen in his mouth, distracted by the pounding silence. There was something unnerving about the quiet, maybe it was because he was so used to working under the intense, bustling circumstances that now working in the dark peace that was invaded the Bullpen was totally abnormal for him. Or maybe it was the voice screaming loneliness inside of him. He looked up; the blinds on his window were closed, for all he knew there could be thousands of people outside his door, making no noise, their feet falling on air instead of the ground. Maybe the whole world was empty of life but for him, alone and isolated in his office. Sam's heart was suddenly heavy with some unreasonable sadness. But reason is not a part of sadness' vocabulary and for all Sam knew, perhaps there was some reason for him to feel filled to the brim with a morose sickness. Damn the silence, he thought. The silence allowed his loneness to jump up on a soapbox and holler at the top of his lungs. The blankness of his mind was allowing loneness to prepare for the writing on the wall.   
  
Sunday came and Tori was spending the morning laying on the couch, watching TV. She was confined today to the apartment, Zoey was gone for the day and the music center where Tori volunteered was closed. Even worse, her car was in the shop leaving Tori stranded to places she could only access by public transit. It was a day that started out with Tori feeling sorry for herself, determining to be resigned to watching TV and general slothing around the apartment.   
  
Josh came into the room, chipper and full of his usual arrogance.   
  
"Move; I want to watch CNN." He said, sitting down as Tori moved her feet. She sighed and got up, tossing him the remote.   
  
"It's probably not any different from when you turned it on 20 minutes ago." She muttered, heading into the kitchen.   
  
"News happens fast." He retorted, changing the station. "Oh man, what is this?" Josh cried, as CNN's People in the News flashed across the screen. Tori came back, a glass of water in her hand.   
  
"See, I told you."   
  
Josh smirked at her. "Why are you in such a sour mood today?"  
  
"I'm bored."   
  
"Well, go write a song or something." Josh kicked his feet up onto the table. Tori rolled her eyes.  
  
"What are you going to do today?"  
  
"Nothing." He answered, a broad smile on his face, the words rolled off his tongue and felt wonderful to say.  
  
"Well, it's good to know that you still have absolutely no time to spend with me."  
  
"Awe, Tori!" He whined as she walked towards her room. But before he could say anything more, the phone rang. "I wish you'd stop guilt tripping me…" he yelled as he answered the phone, "Hello?"  
  
"Hey Josh, it's Sam."  
  
"Hey, what's up?"  
  
"You know the new bill? Gram's going to speak out against it."  
  
"Why? Argh, this is really not as good of a weekend as I expected it was going to be." Josh grumbled to himself for a moment, "I'll talk to him."  
  
"Don't go yet, I'll drop off some of our position papers for you."   
  
"Yeah, ok." But it wasn't fifteen minutes before he had hung up the phone that it rang again, only this time it was Leo.  
  
Tori walked back into the room as Josh was grabbing a jacket.  
  
"Now what?"  
  
"I have to go into work. Um, Sam's going to come by to drop of some papers. Tell him where I've gone but tell him he doesn't need to come in. Just have him leave the papers here." Tori nodded, not saying anything as her sense of abandonment was blocking up her throat. Josh noticed her biting her lip, trying to fight back whatever out burst of injustice was brewing inside of her. "I'm sorry…" He couldn't offer her any promises anymore, they always became empty words he couldn't keep. He just kissed her on the cheek and then left her, leaning against the doorway to the living room staring at the closed door, listening to the sounds of Josh going away for the millionth time.   
  
The vacant apartment was bland and cold. All of the rooms were painted generic beige, with generic couches, a generic table and a generic refrigerator. A few unimpressive pictures were scattered around the clean walls, trying to bring some personality into the lifeless residence. Josh's room was even worse; it lacked anything that could indicate who was sleeping there. The covers were never made, it was like he was waiting from room service to come and fix them for him. The night stand was barren but for a glass of half empty water and a book he would never read. Inside the draw underneath a lot of forgotten possession lay an unopened copy of the Torah.   
  
Tori's room, however, was vibrant and filled with little part of her soul. Haunting Melody was a deep, burgundy red that was the color of her room; it screamed all of the emotion and elation that Tori wanted to feel. Her vanity was antique white, Victorian, with scrolls and vines carved around the mirror and over the draws like something that would be found in the Secret Garden. The white day bed was much the same with thick metal swirls and flowers that was in stark contrast to the plane white book shelves that rounded her room. But of all of the beautiful and eclectic ornaments that covered her room, the most stunning was the masks that hung over any free space on the walls. Empty of eyes, but painted with brilliant colors, decorated with feathers, ribbons and jewels, the masks were all of the faces of Tori she wasn't allowed to show.   
  
Now at a loss of what to do, Tori lay again on the couch, feet curled towards her chest, waiting for Sam to come.   
  
When the doorbell rang, Tori, drawn out of a light sleep, shuffled to the door smoothing down her hair and fixing her clothes.   
  
"Hi Sam, come on in." Tori said opening the door for him. He stepped inside and motioned to some folder in his hand.  
  
"I have some papers for Josh."  
  
"He got called back into work, but he told me to tell you leave to the papers here and that you didn't have to go," Sam dropped the papers on the table, "to work."   
  
"Oh, okay." He looked around the apartment, "So how have you been?"  
  
Tori, sitting on the arm of the couch, said softly "We never talk anymore." Sam, stumbling with his words couldn't even get anything out before Tori started again, "During the campaign you used to come and we'd talk; now we never do that anymore."   
  
Sam stared at her, mind grappling with a decision that would hurt her even more than she was hurting now but would dissipate the trouble that was brewing between them, just said, "I should go."   
  
Tori looked up at him and Sam saw in her eyes the ever expanding loneliness that he saw in his own eyes that morning. She stood up and went to the door and grabbed his coat. Sam silently followed her, but when they both reached for the door knob and their hands meet he felt the wall of his resistance breaking. They just stood in front of the closed door, the only movement Tori's fingers running over Sam's. When she drew her hand up slowly and laid it on the base of his jaw, Sam knew that it was over. All of tamed desires, the caged lust were broken lose as Sam push Tori up against the door and began to violently kiss her.   
  
Tearing off the clothes that barred their bodies from their raw hunger, was like tearing off everything they knew was wrong and right. As each layer fell to the floor, so did each little responsibility, all of the voices in their heads that told them what they were doing was beyond stupid, beyond reason. (Toby's voice in Sam's head was now lost in Tori's cries and moans)  
  
The emptiness within Tori was quickly filling with Sam's tongue, Sam's touch, Sam's essence inside of her. She thought that this kind of satisfaction could only be found here, slammed up against a door with Sam's body pressed against hers. And as the silence of the house was overcome by cries of ecstasy, both aching hearts found solace in each other's pain and suffering while the world outside was silent and cold. 


	5. Chapter 3 Bleed by Tapping the VeinCarry...

Chapter 3 – Bleed by Tapping the Vein/Carry You Around by Ani DiFranco

A/N – I've been making a lot of corrections to previous chapters (Allison suddenly realizes that February is not the first day of summer) so if you come to the conclusion that I'm totally off my rocker b/c my timeline got really screwed up, I fixed it! Huzzah!

Also, since I've also discovered it's kinda important to read the lyrics to the songs, I might throw them in at the end of each chapter. Who knows, it's however productive I feel that day, I suppose. But go to my website to read them if I don't!!

            In the open room with the baby grand piano, Tori was sitting against the wall re-reading lyrics that she liked from a notebook.

            You said this was all you had and it's all I need…because it fell apart and I guess it's all you knew and all I have. But now we have only confused hearts and I guess all we have is really all we need

        _So please, let's take these broken hearts and use, let's use only what we really need. You know we only have so little. So please, take these broken hearts and leave_

Tori closed her eyes for a moment, prospects of reason wounding her, but soon raised her head as one of the instructors of the Music Center walked in and with a nod to Tori began to play a pounding piece on the piano. The violence of the music filled her with the hurried, passionate memories of two days ago when she and Sam finally crossed the line.         Her body was filled with the sensation of Sam, the pressure of his body against hers, his hot breath on her neck, the fear that at any minute someone might open the door and expose one of the millions of fears that the administration carried around. 

            Tori drew her fingers around her notebook; a few song lyrics blazed a path to her eyes 

            _Imagine what loneliness will drive someone to do. Now multiply that times me and multiply that times you. Now imagine what it would take to make this all happen again and just when you think you're gonna cry multiply that times ten_

_            You are distracting me from all other activities and I know the fact of your presence will dominate my memory _

            She ran a shaking hand through her hair and wrapped her arms around her shoulders, trying to smother the aching emptiness that, after finally feeling satiation, was now ten thousand times worse. 

            He was avoiding the face of truth, like he had avoiding the truth within himself for almost three years. And the voices of his better half screamed down at the voices of lust and sadness and told him that everything that had happened could be forgotten, that it needed to be forgotten. But he remembered her; the sound of her screaming his name was seared into his memory and now his emotions were supposed to be ignored, pushed aside like so much that didn't matter. But it did matter; it was the only thing that his heart thought mattered. What was this intoxication? He thought as he dropped his head to his desk, wishing to hide his face forever from those who told him they knew better. Why was his naivety, his passion, his loneliness dragging his body around?

            She showed up to his door, a Yale sweatshirt covering her body. They didn't say anything to each other; the first thing he did was pull the sweatshirt off and threw it across the room, wishing that the hollering voice of Josh in his mind would crumple up and fall into the shadow's like the sweatshirt. 

            "I'm empty without you." She said, hands touching him, lips kissing him, and then following him into his bedroom 

            "Don't talk." He said, as he gently lay her on the bed and silenced both her voice, his reason and their hunger


	6. Chapter 4 Roads by Portishead

Chapter 4 – Roads by Portishead

            Josh promised Tori he would take her out to lunch on Thursday. Tori, hoping that spending time with her father might quell the never ending desire for Sam, readily agreed. 

            The office, hurried, stressed, angry, passionate flew past her as she walked into Josh's bullpen. Her thoughts were elsewhere, in the dark, in the night, lit by moonlight and blanketed by summer breezes. Tori walked in high heels and a tight skirt because she hoped that Josh wouldn't be alone; she was right. Toby came charging out his her father's office, eye darkened and mind occupied. Sam followed at his heels, glasses on and legs working to keep up with Toby's impassioned pace. He smiled, startled by Tori standing in the hall, face and lips emotionless but eyes alluring. 

            "Hey," He said softly, as if the quieter his voice the less the truth could escape.

            "Hey," She responded and before he could leave, she touched his hand, red-nailed fingers running up to his wrist. He closed his eyes for just a second and tried not to shiver, tried not to think and tried to follow Toby before he noticed that Toby had stopped and was facing him in his disorientation. Did he see? Does he know? Why am I still thinking about her? The strengthen facade Sam had maintained for the past seven days was shattering with every step towards the Communications bullpen. 

            Sam tried to escape into his office, but the sounds of Toby's holler prevented him. 

            "Yeah?" He gave a mock-smile.

            "Close the door." Toby was pacing, hands moving as if to contain something in his mind. Sam closed the door tentatively and stood waiting, caging up his desires. "What the hell are you doing? _What the hell are you doing_?" Sam flinched. "As if it wasn't bad enough that she's the daughter of the Deputy Chief of Staff, the daughter of your coworker, the daughter of your friend, and friends with the President's daughter she's only 18! Even if she was a nobody, this administration doesn't need a staffer who is dating a girl half his age!" 

"She's not half my age." Sam muttered, truth seeping out of him, truth blocking his throat.

Toby lowered his voice, "No, don't tell me anything. Just stop it. Stop whatever you've started with Tori Lyman and never start it again, ok?"

Sam nodded and left, feet leading him not into his office but into the bathroom, where, retching, he expelled everything inside of him. He lost his salvation and his damnation and was now vomiting out his responsibility to her touch. Maybe he was as horrible as Toby thought he was. Using that child to warm his freezing soul, but wasn't she needy for his comfort as well? Or was she seeing Josh in his attention? 

            He called her when he knew Josh was not home. She answered and agreed to meet him somewhere that wasn't either of their homes. It would have to be at night and they'd have to dodge the press that occasionally followed Tori like a wandering ghost. They decided on a park near Tori's apartment on the soccer field. 

            She knew when she saw his shadowed form, hands in his pocket, suit still on, that it was over. He stood near the goal, body still and unlit by the moonlight. The field was dark, desolate without players, empty without victors and losers. Sam stood alone as the one solider left from the game; he stood in darkness without a trophy to show for his win or a sad face to show for his defeat. Tori didn't know whose side he was on now, as tragedy had succeeded in breaking another heart.    

"I'm not in love with you." She said when he drew the sword out of her, bloody and warm. Falling to her knees, she thought she could justify her convulsing sobs, making the wound bleed with humiliation and desperation. But no pain was like the pain Sam knew in those moments, watching the innocent cry, her body soft like a baby bird fallen from the nest, and not being able to comfort her. There was a time when he could fill what was draining out her body, the tears he had been allowed to replace, but now all he could do from crying was to walk away from her. He was leaving her, alone on the battle field, alone in her love, alone in her lust, alone in her loneliness, alone and without hope.  Heading back from where he came from, heading back into denial and suffering, Sam couldn't stop the tears from coming; the aching in his heart was growing and filling the emptiness. Now he was filled with agony rather then solitude. 

            "Zoey, I really need to talk to you. There's something I have to tell you." Tori clutched the phone to her ear, trying to shove down her pain from last night. 

            "Sure, of course. Come here and we can talk alone." Zoey meant the White House, the only place where she could walk around without Gina securing her every move. 

            "I can't…" Her voice was starting to get steadier, the ball of emotions hidden for the time being. "I'll see him…"  

            "Oh my God…" Zoey's voice fell into a hush. She knew; their late night game of "Tell Me a Secret" had reveled information that was filed away, but never spoken of again. "I can go there?"

            "Josh is here, for once…" She smirked at the irony. "Let's just meet somewhere."

            "I'll meet you on the corner of Pennsylvania and H; we can walk to the library together."

            They ignored the scattered flashes of photographs as they usually did, hurrying to get to the library where most people didn't bother to follow them. 

            Once inside, they caught some chairs in the back, in the corner and Tori spilled her tears over the table, words swimming through the river of sobs, trying to make sense of what had happened. Zoey held on to her and wouldn't let her go until her crying had stopped and she was empty of emotions again. 

            "Let's go to the bathroom so I can try to cover up the traces of my crying." Tori said with a laugh a little stifled by the remainder of her tears. "If the press sees me, you know what the rumors will be tomorrow. 'Tori Lyman seen high on pot' or something like that." Zoey laughed softly as they walked to the bathroom where Tori painted on her happy mask and then followed Zoey back into the city. Zoey linked arms with Tori, and pulled her into a comforting amble down the street. 


	7. Chapter 5 Shackles by Vertical Horizon

A/N: Look ambition! Allison put up the song lyrics!

Chapter 5 – Shackled by Vertical Horizon  
  
_For so long my life's been sewn up tight inside your hold  
And it leaves me there without a place to call my own   
  
I know now what shadows can see  
There's no point in running 'less you run with me  
It's half the distance through the open door  
Before you cut me down  
Again  
Let me introduce you to the end   
  
And I feel the cold wind blowing beneath my wings  
It always leads me back to suffering  
But I will soar until the wind whips me down  
Leaves me beaten on unholy ground again   
  
So tired now of paying my dues  
I start out strong but then I always lose  
It's half the distance before you leave me behind  
It's such a waste of time ___

_  
'Cause my shackles  
You won't be  
And my rapture  
You won't believe  
And deep inside you will bleed for me   
  
So here I slave inside of a broken dream  
Forever holding on to splitting seams  
So take your piece and leave me alone to die  
I don't need you to keep my faith alive   
  
I know now what trouble can be  
And why it follows me so easily  
It's half the distance through the open door  
Before you shut me down  
Again  
Let me introduce you to the end   
  
Though you know you care   
  
And my laughter  
You won't hear  
The faster   
I disappear  
And time will burn your eyes to tears ___

            For half the month of June, Tori lay crying on her bed, wrapped in a Penn sweatshirt (untouched until that night, fourteen days ago). Sam had stained her mind with memories and the places she used to seek for solitude had now been tainted by him. She no longer slept; rather she lay awake at night remembering how it felt to have Sam's weight on top of her and Sam's voice breathing euphemism in her ear. But the physical ache for him seemed dull compared to the emotion need that was again void. 

            The tragedy wasn't that their secret was discovered; that was inevitable. Tori wasn't bed ridden because she believed Sam had lost his need for her, she knew that he needed her as much as she needed him. Tragedy came down with cupid's arrows and made two people who should never be together need to be together. Tragedy lit the flames and stirred the passion; tragedy started a war between desire and responsibility and forced her to side with desire and him to side with responsibility. 

            Tori was crying because she thought that the tears could drown the silence and flow into the empty places causing them to fill to the brim. The knowledge that at times she was just a slave, walking in some dream that was fueled by her need for affection, made her long to see the end, to see this misery that always struck her down finally leave her alone.  

            Of course, the devastation did not go unnoticed by Josh, who was at a loss of what to do. For two weeks straight Tori floated through the apartment, gray and shadowed. Josh had seen her bruised soul and damaged heart before; it had appeared to him nearly 19 years ago in a hospital bathroom mirror as he vomited his misery into the sink. 

            "Is there something wrong, Josh? You seem a little down." C.J. asked, leaning on a table in the Roosevelt Room. The senior staff was waiting for Leo to start a meeting. 

            "I'm fine, just a little worried about Tori. Some guy she's liked for three years broke up with her or something. She's just been crying and stuff for like two weeks. I don't know; teenage love and broken hearts I suppose." Josh grinned though it was forced. No one noticed when Sam shifted uncomfortably in his chair as Toby threw him a glance or that Sam hardly spoke during the meeting, his blue eyes unfocused and constantly being averted as if keeping them occupied might stop them from watering. It was a feral little and Sam knew that Toby wanted to keep it that way for as long as possible.

             By the end of June, Josh knew that Tori wouldn't be able to keep up with her own depression. The rapture she was feeling now would have to subside before she started at Penn; entering into college without a stable mind was like walking into a lion's den. 

            "Tori?" Josh entered in her room, at first a little stunned by the setting sun clothed by sheer red curtains. The golden oranges of sunset was cast blood red throughout her room, reflecting off her mirror, playing off the colors of her masks making them look sad and alive. Tori was curled up on her bed, her face ruddy from her tears, though empty of them for now. As Josh crossed the room to her bed, Tori bearly moved; he had tried to coax her out of this state before, but how could she trust him when she felt like it was partly his fault that she couldn't be with Sam? 

            Josh sat on her bed, and brushed her hair away from her face, now lit a crimson gold by the sun. He sighed deeply, he felt like there was nothing he could say to mend her broken heart. It took him seven years before he could see beyond his own misery into the face of his daughter, his daughter who looked exactly like her mother in every way but the amber eyes that stared back at him with the same devastation he once knew. 

            "You're lucky, you know, getting everything from your mother but your eyes. Those are mine, I suppose…" Another sigh and he looked up, trying to turn from this mirror of the past, as a reflected sun beam caught his eye, illuminated the golden frame of a picture that sat on the window sill. Josh reached out and picked it up, staring into his own visage, arm wrapped around Roslyn, exuding a happiness he hadn't felt in so many years. Tracing a finger along the form of Roslyn, Josh's heart was a tangled mess of remembrance and devastation. Why couldn't he ever feel that joy again, even when the image of Roslyn had been growing up with him for nineteen years?

            "I know you think I don't know what you're going through, but I do. I really do. I mean, I've lost a lot of people in my life…lost a lot of people for forever. I lost your mother…" Gripping the picture frame, Josh felt the renewed anguish and with it came the renewed joy. "But I got you. And I'm determined not to lose you.

            "Do you know why I named you Victoria?" He asked her, moving his eyes away from the picture down to Tori's. She shook her head weakly. "I named you Victoria because I knew the night that you were born that with every miracle there comes tragedy and with all triumph their must be loss. I guess I was hoping your name could give you strength because I knew that I could not." The red light was making Tori's new tears glitter golden.

            "That's not true." Her voice was broken, stumbling through the words, "You're giving me strength now." A smile forced it way through the past devastation, the recent heart ache just as the sun forced its way around a red curtain, allowing a small ray of clean light to shine pure in the room. 

            "I think I just know now what the darkness is like, and I don't like the idea that I'm going to fall into it again." Tori said as she and Zoey walked downtown together. 

            "But how do you know that you will?"

            "I can only fly so far before the wind whips me down. My family doesn't exactly have a track record for long periods of happiness. I was born out of tragedy; I don't think I can escape it that easily. It follows pretty closely to our heels."

            "I don't think that's true. I mean, you're here, right?" Zoey's smile was luminescent but Tori's remaining pain cleared out any optimism she might have.

            "You mean downtown shopping with you or here at this stage in my life, heading off to a university I don't want to go to and leaving the only people who I ever felt truly cared about me?"

            "No, I meant here, as my best friend." Zoey's smile faded just a little, her tone becoming more serious. "Just think, if you're mother wouldn't have died, Josh would have become a lawyer and he would have never worked on Hoynes' campaign and wouldn't have worked on my dad's. And then we never would have met. So, I think that even though there may be painful, difficult situation in your life, I think they each lead you to something better." 

            "Well, this theory has proven true once. I just hope that it proves true again."

Months came and went; Tori moved into the dorms in Penn; Zoey moved into the dorms in Georgetown. The new situation was a blessing for Tori, the anonymity of a large school gave her more freedom she hadn't known in all of years she'd lived in D.C. And, now she had almost broken free of the place where she was sewn up in so many painful memories, now she could almost start new and fresh.


	8. Chapter 6 So What? by Ani DiFranco

Chapter 6 – So What? by Ani DiFranco           
    
    _who's__ gonna give a shit_
    
    _who's__ gonna take the call_
    
    _when__ you find out that the road ahead_
    
    _is__ painted on a wall_
    
    _and__ you're turned up to top volume_
    
    _and__ you're just sitting there in pause_
    
    _with__ your feral little secret_
    
    _scratching__ at you with its claws_
    
    _and__ you're trying hard to figure out_
    
    _just__ exactly how you feel_
    
    _before__ you end up parked and sobbing_
    
    _forehead__ on the steering wheel_
    
    _who__ are you now_
    
    _and__ who were you then_
    
    _that__ you thought somehow_
    
    _you__ could just pretend_
    
    _that__ you could figure it all out_
    
    _the__ mathematics of regret_
    
    _so__ it takes two beers to remember now_
    
    _and__ five to forget_
    
    _that__ I loved you so_
    
    _yeah__, I loved you, so what_
    
    _how__ many times undone_
    
    _can__ one person be_
    
    _as__ they're careening through the facade_
    
    _of__ their favorite fantasy_
    
    _you__ just close your eyes slowly_
    
    _like__ you're waiting for a kiss_
    
    _and__ hope some lowly little power_
    
    _will__ pull you out of this_
    
    _but__ none comes at first_
    
    _and__ little comes at all_
    
    _and__ when inspiration finally hits you_
    
    _it__ barely even breaks your fall_
    
    _who__ were you then_
    
    _and__ who are you_
    
    _now__ that you can't pretend_
    
    _that__ you can figure it all out_
    
    _subtract__ out the impact_
    
    _and__ the fall is all you get_
    
    _so__ it takes two beers to remember now_
    
    _and__ three more to forget_
    
    _that__ I loved you so_
    
    _yeah__, I loved you, so what_
    
    _I loved you_
    
    _so__ what_

            Penn was so close to D.C. that frequent visits back home (mostly to see Zoey) were not uncommon, and obviously, the White House's West Wing was a place she was often when in town so avoiding Sam became like second nature. Their eyes mutually averted, their bodies, when once they seemed to always be drawn together, now repelled. 

            In March, however, during the 20 hours in L.A., Tori couldn't avoid Sam in Air Force One, the area of the plane so confined that they always managed to run into each other. 

            "I can't get away from him, it's like everywhere I turn, there he is." Tori grumbled to Zoey, taking the seat Charlie just vacated. 

            "You are going to have to face him at some point, you know that right." 

            "Yeah, I know." She huffed, and then leaned back in her seat. "So what are you wearing to the party?"

            "Just a heads up," Donna pulled Tori aside as they headed into the hotel. "I think your dad likes Joey Lucas."

            "My dad's gay?" Tori nearly yelled, stopping to turn to Donna. 

            "No, Joey Lucas is a woman. She's the campaign manger for O'Dwyer, who's running in California's 47th."

            "That means little to nothing to me." They continued to walk, trying to keep up with the moving group. 

             "Well, anyways, I think Josh has a little crush on her."

            "Okay."

            "And I just wanted you to know; so that you weren't…I don't know…"

            "Pissed that my dad was introducing another woman into his life? Really doesn't bother me, as long as it isn't Mandy Hampton again." Tori whispered the last part, as Mandy was walking within a couple of feet of them. 

            "Good."

            "Thanks anyways, Donna." Tori said before the panicked yell of Josh rung out,

            "DONNA!" 

            "Coming!" She broke into a slow jog to make her way up to her boss; Tori followed, lugging her suitcase. 

            Tori walked up to the door of her and Josh's room to see him struggling with the door key and Donna relaying his messages to him.

            "Dave Leavy." Donna read,

            "Later, are you sure this isn't for your room?" He said, shoving the plastic key violently into the metal slot.

            "It's for your room. Mandy."

            "Later…you sure?"

            "It's for your room. The Deputy Whip." 

            "Later, you know there used to be keys…" Donna shoved Josh out of the way and grabbed his plastic key. "You stuck it in, you turn it…" And on one try, Donna opened the door. "I loosed it for you." 

            Tori sighed as she dragged her suitcase into the room and threw it down at the foot of the single bed.

            "Well, it's a good thing we aren't staying the night…" She muttered as Donna tried to convince Josh to call, or see or do anything about Joey Lucas.

            "Gather ye rosebuds, while ye may Josh." Donna said, leaning against the window sill. 

            "So just who is Joey Lucas?" Tori interrupted, lay back on the bed.

            "She's the campaign manager for…" Josh began,

            "No, something about her, you know, as a human being."

            "Oh…" Josh thought for a moment, "She's deaf." 

            "Good then she can't hear you nag her." Tori grinned.

            "Oh ha ha." Josh took one of the pillows off and threw it at her. 

            "As long as she isn't Mandy," Tori said before her ringing cell phone distracted her

            "Why do you hate all of my girlfriends?"

            "Because you pick bad ones!" Tori said as she read the caller I.D. "Hey Zoey." 

            Both father and daughter became lost in their own conversations; Josh was now getting ready to talk to Ted Marcus about Resolution 973 as Tori was planning to meet Zoey for lunch. And in less then ten minutes after entering the hotel room, it was once again vacant. 

             The hallways of the hotel were much like streets, traffic spilt into two parts, people making nearly silent signals when about to turn or break the synchronized movement. And then came Sam, weaving in and our of the perfection, making his way head on into in coming traffic nearly avoiding fatal accidents and committing minor ones. Sam, his body careening carelessly, crashed violently into Tori's.

            "Oh my God, I'm so sorry." He said before he even realized who it was. 

            "It's fine." She said curtly before attempting to push past the wreckage.

            "Tori?" 

She stopped and turned, "What?"

Sam sputtered for a moment, "I'm sorry." He said finally.

"I know." Again, she tried to leave before she could see the total cost of the damage but Sam's voice called out again. 

            "Tori?"

            "What?" Spinning around, annoyed she glared at Sam, who looked back slightly hurt, slightly innocent. 

            "I'm sorry for everything." 

            "Not here, Sam. Please."

            "Then where? I feel like, I don't know, like I've severed an arm but the wound was never sewn up properly."

            Tori smirked, "Then I guess you got the better end of the deal."

            "I don't know about that." 

            "Look, Sam I've got to meet Zoey in the lobby." 

"Is Josh going to be in the room right after the Al Kiefer meeting?"

"Probably not, at least not until right before the fundraiser anyways,"

"Okay then" 

She then made her final get away, racing out of accident before more causalities could be committed. 

            Lunch with Zoey was ruined by President Bartlet deciding to join them, as well as the entire senior staff and about 20 Secret Service agents. Not to mention that the whole restaurant was cleared of any normalcy by riding the place of all other patrons. 

            Complaining as she was being placed into the car, Zoey mentioned that they should re-tray to get a "L.A. experience" by doing some shopping in Santa Monica. Tori, bite her lip, recalling Sam's question in the hall. Quickly, before Josh ushered her into their own car, Tori shook her head. 

            "I'll explain later." She called. 

            Now sitting on the bed, Tori waited for Sam to knock. It was a routine for them, reminiscent of the campaign, back when innocent flirting remained just that and neither reputations were put into jeopardy by crossing the line. 

            The knock came and Tori allowed Sam to come in, making sure that no one saw. 

            "Get right to the point Sam, we both have to start getting ready for the fundraiser soon." Tori sat back on the bed, and Sam leaned against a wooden dresser, hands shoved uncomfortably in his pockets. 

            "I don't have a point. I just want closure."

            "Sam, you keep demanding that and I don't know what to tell you. I have nothing more to give you. I don't have the strength, the courage, the…" she stopped, hoping that she didn't have to say it.

            "What?" he urged.

            "The freedom to give you anything more of me."

            "I guess I just want to know…how you've been holding up?"

            "Sam!" She sighed, "Why are you doing this?"

            "I didn't want it to end like that, like that night on the soccer field. I didn't want it to end with being discovered and me breaking your heart like that."

            "It would have ended like that anyways. Don't you see Sam? Ask yourself who were you then and you'll see the answer is The same person you are now. We're the same people. And if I came over there right now and kissed you, you would react the same as you would have before." She stood up, "It doesn't matter how it ended. We both know that's not why we suffered for so long, why we still suffer."

            "I just wanted you to know that…" His gaze bounced around the room, searching for how he felt, how he wanted to explain, "I didn't want it to end, like that, or at all, even though responsibility forced me to." The honesty he had for so long tried to escape, was shinning in his eyes like tears. She didn't know what he expected of her, but she knew that what they both wanted shouldn't ever happen again.  

            "I loved you, Sam but so what? That fulfillment, that emptiness, it's gone and I don't know what you are looking for tonight."

            "A way out of regret."

            "If I could find one for myself, I would try and help you."

            "Make me believe that it wasn't all a mistake!"

            "I can't, because it was! Anything that hurts that bad was a mistake."

            "I don't believe that finding something that passionate could ever be a mistake."

            "I wish I could believe you." Tori said somberly, eyes half closed trying to contain her tears. 

            "I should go."

            "Yeah." Tori sat back down on the bed, and before her head fell into her hands she saw Sam leaving, shutting the door behind him once again.

            Josh came into the room just as Tori put the last two drops of Visine in her eyes. She stared into the bathroom mirror, watching the redness slowly fade away. She smiled, watching her face contort to that perfect vision of happiness she so often had to put on. Eyes vacant, lips painted and skin smooth like glossed ceramic, Tori had placed that smile on her face before, using its empty emotions like a mask.          

            "Tori, I need to use the bathroom to get ready!" Josh yelled as Tori stepped out, her cocktail dress clinging and beautiful. "Wow, you look very nice. What happened?" Tori hit him in the arm,

            "Ha ha. Too bad I can't say the same for you." 

            "You just wait; in less then ten minutes I will be the image of charm and refinement."

            "Oh good, because the cars are leaving in five."

            "What?" Josh stuck his head out the bathroom as Tori was putting on her shoes.

            "You're wasting more time!"

            "Jesus!" Josh said in gasp, frantically trying to throw on his suit. Tori just shook her head as she watched her father wash away the day's trails and put on his best. They made it out to the cars just in time.

            The party was filled will soft lights, precision make-up, mediocre celebrities, silicone, thick back pockets and donating political figures. Tori's smile remained unchanged in her pocket, ready to pull out when introduced to various people as, "Josh Lyman's daughter, Tori."  

            She managed to escape a few hours into the party trying to get a few moments to herself to remove her face and think. She was soon found by Toby. 

            "Where's Josh?"

            "I don't know, flirting with Joey Lucas I suppose." 

            "Ah." Toby said with alcohol on his breath. 

            "Been drinking?"

            "Like nobody's business." He was about to tipped back another glass of rum when a firm hand gripped his shoulder, and a deep voice said.

            "Well, if it isn't Toby Ziegler." 

            Toby, much annoyed that his next step closer to oblivion was postponed, grimaced slightly, "Richard Firmen," 

            "What's new with you, Toby?"

            "Well, I was well on my way to getting drunk."

            Richard laughed, his voice like vodka, heavy and oily. Tori shifted uncomfortable as Richard's eyes found their way around her. His leathery face cracked into a smile. The situation was only made worse for her as Sam, who was pulled into the conversation as he was walking by.  His eyes too wandered, but in a more innocent way, one that nearly comforted Tori. 

            "You look good tonight." Sam said, trying to keep his voice platonic. 

            "Thanks." She muttered mask crushed now underneath her heels. 

            "Have we met before?" Richard interjected, thrusting his hand out. 

            "This is Tori Lyman, Josh's daughter." Sam said, "Tori, this is Richard Firman, he's a big supporter for the President." Tori's hand was taken firmly in his grasp, and shook with almost violent zeal. 

            "Which just means I give a lot money to your dad and the rest of the administration." Richard laughed again; Tori forced a little grin as her eyes searched for a way out. Toby quickly caught her eye, 

            "Tori, I think your dad wanted to see you."

            "Yeah." 

            "I think he's with the President outside." 

Nodding, Tori made her way past the throngs of people, not even bothering to say good night to Sam. 

            "She's a beautiful girl." Richard said, watching her walk away. 

            "If you lay a hand on her, I swear to God I'll break all of your fingers." Sam said, voice thick with malice, face darkened by Richard's comment. Richard offended and deterred by the threat turned and walked away. 

            "Ironic that you of all people should be saying that, Sam." Toby finished off his glass of rum. "I'll be drinking more, a lot more, if anyone needs me."

            "Yeah." Sam murmured as their conversation was spilt by the intrusion of a new group of people. 


	9. Chapter 7 Whisperes of a Long Goodbye by...

Chapter 7 – Whispers of a Long Goodbye by the Lyndsay Diaries

_Looking down from up here.__  
It looks like a thousand of the blackest graves.  
I haven't ever been so overcome with tears.  
That I collapsed to my knees outside your room.  
Your hospital room.  
And the flashbacks of what I remember play over and over.  
Like a never ending horror.  
  
A flash and I see you laying in the snow.  
And I still don't even know who I am.  
I can't seem to gain control of my own mind.  
Someone else has taken over and I can't seem to come to my senses.  
  
What happened back there?  
What happened back there  
that had us staring into the eyes of death?  
  
This is all a black hole in my mind.  
And all I know is that I keep thinking about it.  
And I keep on crying, I just keep on crying.  
  
What happened back there?  
that had us staring into the eyes of death?  
  
Remember all those games in kindergarten.  
Please don't forget all those memories that we've shared.  
And Casey please don't leave me here all by myself.  
  
What happened back there?   
What happened back there   
that had us staring into the eyes of death.  
The eyes of death___

            "Does this sound like it's in tune to you?" Eric asked, playing a few chords on his acoustic guitar. The sounds floated through the near empty club, echoing off rafters and vacant seats. 

            "Check the C string, it sounds a little flat." Tori answered, sorting through the sheet music. 

            "Has anyone seen ticket sales?" Julia cried excitedly, running down the aisles. "We're sold out tonight! Just think of all of those people!"

"And now I can pay the rent!" Eric joked.  Tori grinned a little as the other's cheered. D.C.'s local Metro Café, was a popular place, where people came more for the music than the beer. Just the fact that their little band managed to land a gig there, surprised Tori; the money was a pleasant side effect, but mostly a non-issue; private piano lessons covered all of her expenses. 

Meeting up with three others band members was near the pinnacle of Tori's young life. This band, these musicians, was unlike any she had met before; they were unafraid of music, unafraid of experimentation and unafraid of failure. Driven only by passion, and an inherent need to create, these three quickly became Tori's mentors and guides not only for performing music, but for performing in life as well. They promised her that they had ways to quell her emptiness; she was frightened but not unwilling.

            "After the show, celebration back at Eric's house!" Jon announced mischievous mirth in his eyes. 

            "You have a house in D.C.?" Tori asked; the three had come down to visit Tori last weekend; trying to find a locale gig was Julia's spontaneity at work.

            "No, his parent's own a house in D.C." Jon answered.

            "I didn't know you were from around here."

            "I'm not; I'm from Maine. This house is dad's work house."

            "He works for the government?"

            "Senator"

            "Who's bringing the booze?" Julia interjected, bored of the conversation already; Tori missed the answer as her cell phone began to vibrate in her pocket. She pulled it out as she ran down the stage steps to find a quite place while the rest planned how to transport their vices to Eric's house. 

            "Hey, what's up?" Tori answered, seeing Zoey's number on her I.D.

            "What are you doing tomorrow night?"

            "Nothing, I imagine." 

            "Well, my father's going to be speaking at the Newseum, in Rosslyn and he's managed to get me to go, but I need you there since you're the only one who will understand the embarrassment when he talks about me and the camera goes on me and I turn beet red." She took a breath, "Besides, I feel like since you've come home for the summer, we haven't spent that much time together."

            It was true, because Zoey had found Charlie and let go of Tori just a little and Tori felt it like she had been thrown across the room.

            "Of course I'll go; I wouldn't miss the President embarrassing you again for anything in the world."

            Gunshots, screams, shattered glass…visions blackened and hearts beating…or not beating. Tori couldn't feel anything in Rossyln; behind a black limo, being shoved down by someone, Gina, a secret service agent, a ghost? Second, minutes, hours, days later and the guns stopped, the sounds they manifested replaced by sirens, helicopters and cries of agony and fright.

Words spewed out of her mouth, though no one was around to hear.

            "Where's dad? Where's the President? Where's Sam?" Words that were silenced by several people (known or unknown?) asking her if she was alright. She couldn't answer, tears streaming like blood from a gunshot wound…where's dad?

            C.J. found her, trembling and confused, nothing but questions coming into her mind. 

            "Are you ok?"

            "Are you?" C.J.'s slow nodding suddenly comforted her. 

            "I hit my head; someone pulled me to the ground." 

            "Are you guys alright?" Sam's voice had a strong undertone of fear; almost undetectable as everyone's voice had that same sound. The question went unanswered; through the chaos, the people, the noise, the panic Toby's voice rose above everything:

            "I need a doctor!" 

The night was lit now only be red and blue flashing lights, and Tori felt everything disappear, the ground, the air, the noise, the touch of Sam's hands…everything but the sight of her father, collapsing to the concert, blood pooling around him. Her heart froze stiff (was she still alive?) and she understood nothing by death and love, tragedy and miracle in those moments.

            "Dad!" Her voice echoed around her; she was hearing this from somewhere else, "Daddy!" Numbness was shattered by the feeling of a familiar warm embrace. She buried her head in someone's shoulder (Granddad?) and felt sensations of agony wash over the cold, unfeeling sickness. A protective, violent kiss on the side of her head, (but he's dead…); she was startled when Sam's voice resounded in her ear,

            "It's going to be okay." Cold tears dripped down her neck; was she still crying? (Physics deemed it impossible that those were her tears.) Would she ever stop crying? The tears chilled her as she was shoved into the back of an ambulance, her father strapped to a stretcher; eyes clouded and unfocused, hands cold. Sam's arms found their way around her, pulling her close to him, as if the shooter could still find his way into their comfort, shot down everyone in the back of the ambulance, kill and destroy everything tragedy had left in tacked.

            Tori couldn't talk, she just watched her father, life overcoming him, death overcoming him; he saw this once too and she was born out of that. What would be born out of this night? This hour in which paramedics rattled off numbers that sounded like nothing more than sounds and fluctuations in her head? Was Zoey going to be right this time (was Zoey alive?), tragedy and miracle canceling each other out, not allowing either to conquer the prize, but each taking home something as proof of their battle? Or would one produce a victor, to alone celebrate in the spoils of war?

            "Who's going to win?" Tori muttered voice hardly coherent from anguish and terror. 

            "What?" Toby asked, their voices the only ones not fluctuating with numbers. 

            "Don' talk." Sam whispered, her head falling on to his shoulder, shirt stained with her tears, his tears. Memories of the next few minutes were lost in a hospital entrance where pounding feet, blinding white lights, doctors and nurses blurred her vision of her father…friends all asking her if she was alright.

            "No," she finally answered, and then felt her legs release from under the weight of her sobs. 

            The private waiting room was void of anything but tension and anguish. Daughters found each other, culminated their pain and years of friendship into a long hug. Each muttering how it would be alright when both knew that it would not; how could it? The President was shot, Josh was near death and both daughters were left without fathers in a world where they had so little left to give.

            "It's not fair." Tori said, fresh tears running down her face to meet Zoey's hand.

            "I know." 

Hours, minutes, seconds…lost in the sterile hospital, lost in Tori's staring eyes, lost in her mind, numb from crying. Physical ache, emotional need multiplied, dissipated, expanded. Waiting became like the white walls. Nothing was said as they watched the TV, blue light flickering against the sterility, hoping the TV would provide some kind of meaning, some kind of closure. It provided nothing but information and sorrow. 

             Mrs. Bartlet walked by the distorted window; Zoey gripped Tori's hand, as she felt something that could only be described as anguish rise to her heart and wrap it in an iron clamp.

            When Mrs. Bartlet said, "The President is going to be fine." A layer of torment was removed, warming and comforting Tori. She tried to hold on to that feeling as the First Lady went on to explain the seriousness of Josh's condition. But no matter how she tried to repeat "The President is fine." The words 'critical' 'blood loss' 'serious' invaded that initial warm, removing anything but those words from her mind. 

            She couldn't feel anything, not even Zoey's hand anymore. She heard Mrs. Bartlet talking to her; the words were incoherent to her, but they sounded warm and gentle. They sounded like hope, and that was the only thing that Tori had at the moment. 

            "What if he never knows…" Tori said, voice flat lined and gushing emotions, "I haven't told him that I loved him since I came home. What if he doesn't know?" 

            "He knows, honey, don't you worry about that." Mrs. Bartlet said, the maternal comfort foreign to Tori. 

            "I've never gotten to tell him everything I wanted to…"

            "Well, maybe you should go tell him now." 

            Standing outside Josh's surgery room, watching him, unconscious, heart open, unknown men working inside of him, Tori held her hand to her mouth, afraid if she breathed something might go wrong, if she took another step closer to him her tragedy and his tragedy would collide and multiply, killing him and leaving her deserted once again. 

            Slowly, Tori touched the glass that separated him from her, and just let all of the words that got lost between yesterday and today, all of the words that she didn't think were important to say, all of the words she thought were implied flowed from her heart into that partition, praying that her love could heal the gunshot wound, replace the blood and fill his collapsed lung with air. 

            She entered the private waiting room again, drained. The numbness was replaced with exhaustion; the agony with morose and Tori fell into a chair, feeling like a shell empty of its pearl. She sat between Sam and C.J., who both gave her a weak smile.

            Donna came in a little later and Tori didn't know what time it was; Donna's voice was shaking so bad she was afraid it would fall out of her body. 

            "I had a hard time getting in; I had to find an agent who knew me and…" Donna's soft eyes fell on Tori; the sight of her pale face, white lips and dull eyes and Donna's hidden horror was realized. "Tori…where's your father? Where's Josh?" Panic flooded the shaking voice as Donna muttered disbelief as Toby calmly explained the situation. She collapsed into the chair behind Tori's; silence speaking all of the words of shock and despair. C.J. rubbed her shoulder, as a doctor told them it was best if they went home or back to work; there was nothing more here. 

            Tori turned around, and threw her arms around Donna, who began to quietly, and delicately cry. In that moment, the air of the waiting room softened, it was touched by the embrace, touched by any movement; and Tori felt tragedy slowly back away; afraid of the love and afraid of the beauty. 

            "I think it's best if Tori went home for a while, to rest a little. This has been a very hard night on her." Mrs. Bartlet whispered to Sam, as she had pulled him aside about half and hour later. 

            "I can take her home; it's not a problem." He answered, watching Tori now sitting next to Donna, both staring at the dismal few hours with nothing but a prayer to keep them going. Mrs. Bartlet nodded, and knelt down next to Tori. 

            "Honey, Sam's going to take you home for just a little bit, I know you probably want to stay here but…"

            "No, I have to stay here." The thought of leaving her father tinted her voice with panic. "There's nothing for me at home."

            "There's nothing you can do by staying here. Josh wouldn't want you stuck here, you know he wouldn't." Sam countered. 

            "I'm all that he has, right now. If I leave, then there's nothing here for him." Tears invaded her voice, giving it determination and renewed sorrow. 

            "I'm here for him." Tori turned to Donna and knew this was the way it was suppose to be. Without further argument, she got up and followed Sam out of the waiting room. Josh was letting go of her tonight; he wasn't even conscious and he managed to release a small part of her. Now she was just dangling on by a thread; holding on to the hope that tragedy would open up a new path for her and that some of the people she had loved in her life would be able to follow her. 

            Nothing was said in the taxi ride home. Sam didn't even try to reach out and touch Tori; he knew that he had already crossed the line tonight and hated the thought that he might have to excuse his actions by blaming sorrow instead of embracing the honesty. When the taxi stopped in front of her apartment, Sam just said,

            "Call me if you need anything, ok?" 

Tori nodded, and silently got out of the taxi and entered her house, closing the door to the night and the gunshots and the pain of the hospital. 


	10. Chapter 8 Sleep the Clock Around by Bell...

Chapter 8 – Sleep the Clock Around by Belle and Sebastian

_And the moment will come when composure returns_

_Put a face on the world; turn your back to the wall_

_And you walk twenty yards with your head in the air_

_Down the Liberty Hill, where the fashion brigade_

_Look with curious eyes on your raggedy way_

_And for once in your life you got nothing to say_

_And could this be the time when somebody will come_

_To say, "Look at yourself, you're not much use to anyone"_

_Take a walk in the park, take a Valium pill_

_Read the letter you got from the memory girl_

_But it takes more than this to makes of the day_

_Yeah, it takes more than milk to get rid of the taste_

_And you trusted to this, and you trusted to that_

_And when you saw it all come, it was waving the flag_

_Of the United States of Calamity, hey!_

_After all that you've done boy, I know your going to pay_

_In the morning you come to the ladies salon_

_To get all fitted out for the Paperback Throne_

_But the people are living far away from that place_

_When you wanted to help, you're a bit of a waste_

_And the puzzle will last till somebody will say_

_"There's a lot to be done while your head is still young"_

_If you put down your pen, leave your worries behind_

_Then the moment will come, and the memory will shine_

_Now the trouble is over, everybody got paid_

_Everybody is happy, they are glad that they came_

_Then you go the place where you've finally found_

_You can look at yourself, sleep the clock around_

            Sleep came quickly for Tori; exhausted by the night, she barely could even muster the strength to change out of her previous clothes and into more comfortable ones.

            Ten hours went by on the clock, unseen by Tori. She awoke to find her answering machine blinking; answering it, reveled Sam's voice asking Tori if she wanted a ride to the hospital. She did, and so she called him back.

            Sam came to the apartment for the first time in nearly a year, she touched the door on the way out, memories invading her mind, memories she thought it improper to think about now. 

            The sun was out, in mockery to the night that Tori still held inside of her. But the beauty of the day couldn't heal the wound created that night, which was still throbbing with pain and anxiety. Tragedy hadn't been defeated yet, not by a long shot. All of the love in the world wouldn't be enough to slay true devastation, Tori feared. And even if life was the winner of this day's battle, Tori knew that she was still part of the causalities. Even if just a little, she knew that something inside of her had died; the gunshot ripped and mangled more than just Josh's flesh and it left Tori gripping on to the hope that miracle would once again be borne out of tragedy. 

            The private waiting room wasn't the same as before, Tori thought. It seemed colder, emptier…like it was waiting for something to happen. The initial brutal fear had dissipated, leaving a mild sickening feeling at the core of the room, to permeate and invade the rational of all those who waited there. 

            Donna was the first person she saw, hands clasped in her lap, face drawn and covered with an agony that looked like it was making her sick. Tori just stood in the door way, watching her, knowing that her own heart and Donna's heart were combined with one feeling. Tori knew, looking into her eyes, that Josh would not recover on her love alone, and however much she hated it in that moment, her father needed Donna as much as he needed his own daughter. So she took a deep breath, forcing composer to take over where devastation once resided, forcing everything to fill the emptiness she had known for so long, entered the room and waited to either be excused or embraced. 

            Seeing Josh open his eyes after surgery peeled all of the layers of torment off, leaving her just raw elation. Tori held his hand, feeling its warmth and life and knew that the first leg of their journey was over. 

             Fourteen days later, and Josh was laying, almost comfortable, in his hospital bed.  Tori walked in, a few bags in hand and a victorious look on her face.

            "If I sneak Toby, Sam and C.J. in here, would you promise not to tell Donna?"

            "Sure, why?"

            "Because I just cut a deal with all three of them so that they could see you."

Josh laughed, "What did you get out of it?"

            "Sam's going to buy me lunch, C.J.'s buying me a pair of shoes and Toby owes me a favor."

            "Couldn't think of a better way to milk him?"

            "I was considering having him write my mid-term essay for my American Government class, but I figured that he would end up ranting about the state of welfare for twenty pages so I decided against it."

            "Probably a good idea," Josh's grin relaxed a little, "Don't worry, I won't tell Donna."

            "Okay, Toby's coming tonight at 8:00, Sam's coming a little after that and C.J. tomorrow morning around 10:00."

            "Man, you really planned this thing out…"

            "Now, here are the things you asked for," She dropped them next to the bed. "I'm to have lunch with Zoey, and then I'm going to see Aaron for a bit, but I'll be back here around 7:00."

            "You know, Tori, you don't have to spend every night here…"

            "I don't want you to be alone."

            "I won't be; Donna'll come." The statement, made a small pang of sadness echo throughout her body. 

            "No, I'll come back." And with that, Tori left the hospital room, almost afraid that she wouldn't be able to get back in. 

            Tori meet Zoey in the White House, where they deiced to get some food at the mess instead of braving the outside world.

            "So, how have you been?"

            "I'm okay, I'm better than before. How about you?"

            "Good, except that Charlie's been acting, strange…I don't know. Irritable, I guess."

            "Well, he did almost get your and my father killed; it's reason to be acting strange."

            "Yeah, I guess. I just don't know what to do."

            "I don't think there is anything you can do about it. He'll just have to heal and realize that it's not truly his fault that we…" Tori didn't finish the sentence; she didn't have to, Zoey understood her.  "Just give him time, he'll come around."

            "Yeah, you're probably right." She sighed. "What about Josh, is he ok?"

            "I think so." Tori paused, her brow slightly wrinkled, "I don't think he's been sleeping well, and he's been less responsive to things, I don't know if that makes any sense."

            "It does."

            "He seems caught up sometimes, just tangled in his own thoughts." Another pause, "but then, he did almost die, so I guess this is kinda of expected."

            "It was a really traumatic situation for him and for all of us too. We all have to recover from it, even if we weren't shot. Everyone's a little bit afraid, a little anxious... I've never been in a situation like this before, but I'm guessing this is normal…or however normal this could be." 

Tori nodded in response. They both sat in the mess, watching different levels of government workers file in and out. They waved when Bonnie and Donna came in to get some water. 

            "Do you think that…?" Tori started, watching Donna move quickly and unknowing of her own grace, "never mind, it's a stupid question."

            "No, what?" Zoey prompted.

            "Do you think that someone can replace another person without even knowing it?"

            "What do you mean?"

            "I mean, do you think that one day someone is going to come up to me and tell me that I'm not useful anymore and that I should just move along?"

            "Tori!" Zoey laughed at the ridiculousness of the question. 

            "Seriously, that one day I will just be a waste and no one will want me?"

            "No, absolutely not!"

            "Why?"  
            "Because I'll always want you!" Zoey's smile broke through so many days of pain and sadness.  "Who are you worried about doing that to you? Sam?" She lowered her voice as she said his name.

            "No, my dad. I feel like Donna…is taking care of him so well that he doesn't need me."

            Zoey's expression of disbelief was genuine, like everything else about her, "You're his daughter, no one can replace that."

            "What if they got married…"

            "Tori!" Her laugh was good-natured, playing off Tori's now exaggerated worry. "She's his assistant…they're relationship isn't like that."

            "She's so young too; if we went out to dinner together they would think that we were sisters rather than her being my step-mom."

            "Now, that's just weird. If Donna was your step-mom…that would be like Mrs. Landingham being my step-mom."

            "Only more appropriate, because she isn't young enough to have gone to high school with you."

            "Donna's not that young."

            "No, maybe not, but young."

            "Yeah, young, but not that young."

            "See, if that happened, it would be more like if Charlie married your dad." This sent both girls into a fit of giggles, their mirth loud and almost disruptive. 

            "And then we'd move to Vermont…"

            "And go on the Jerry Springer show." The laughter rang out like a bell, calling all of those away from home that it was safe to return. Tori felt some of her worry lift; of course her feelings of replacement were unfounded, she was just like her father now; afraid that everyone he loves was going to die or fall in some tragedic way. Perhaps not so unfounded, but in this case Tori believed that Zoey was right, she wasn't about to be shoved out into the cold. Josh was too afraid of losing her wholly, and she was too afraid to let go. 

            When Tori came home, it was a little after 9:30. The street was dark except for the faded glow of the street lamps, making every few steps light up with an orange shadow. 

            She met Sam in that light, as he left Josh's apartment, walking like he was consumed with the process.

            "So when are you going to buy me lunch?" Tori asked, disrupting his walk. 

            "Hun?" He looked up and around until his eyes fell on her, covered in the light. He was standing outside of the glow. "Oh, I don't know."

            "What's wrong? Something on your mind?" 

            "It's nothing."

            "No, what is it?"

            "Don't you feel like we should tell Josh what went on with us?"

            "No, do you?"

            "Well, yeah. He nearly died; what if he died not knowing about us?" Tori shrugged as Sam continued, "I would think that you'd want to come clean with him, especially since you've almost lost him."

            "Yes, and then he would yell at me until his stitches burst open. You're career is at stake here, aside from that how much guilt do you think he would feel? If the bullet didn't get him, then the truth would."

            "I don't like keeping secrets, Tori."

            "We all have secrets, Sam. Don't you think dad has secrets too?"

            "But not about a love affair with his daughter."

            "I miss your integrity." Her voice was soft, like the circle of light she stood in, dimmed and faded. "I think your honesty is what kept me in line for so long."

            "And what made you cross it."

Tori smirked, "Don't hurt him anymore than he already is. Tell him later, in a year, in three years, but please don't throw another tragedy at him, not yet. He's still recovering." She gave him a small smile, and then walked back into the darkness. Sam stuffed his hands in his pocket and then headed in the opposite direction. 


	11. Chapter 9 Papa, Can you Hear me? By Char...

Chapter 9 – Papa, can you hear me? By Charlotte Church

A/N: Sorry this took so long. There is an explaination! Something was suppose to happen to Tori this chapter didn't because dealing with Josh's PTSD became more of a thing then it was suppose to be. I also have to start foreshadowing the climax. This is taking so long! We're not even out of season two yet! I swear only one thing happens in season three! This will not be 70 pages long…this will not be 70 pages long! Anywho, I also had my wisdom teeth taken out, which sucked and I was depressed all week and it was hard to write the happy Hanukkah scene when I was sad. But now I'm getting better (slowly…grrr) and here's chapter 9!

_God  
Oh God  
May the light,  
Illuminate the night, the way your spirit illuminates my soul   
Papa, can you hear me?  
Papa, can you see me?  
Papa, can you find me in the night?  
Papa, are you near me?  
Papa, can you hear me?  
Papa, can you help me not be frightened?  
Looking at the skies, I seem to see a million eyes  
Which ones are yours?  
Where are you now that yesterday  
Has waved goodbye and closed its door?  
The night is so much darker,  
The wind is so much colder  
The world I see is so much bigger  
Now that I'm alone  
Papa, please forgive me  
Try to understand me  
Papa, don't you know I had no choice?  
Can you hear me praying,  
Anything I'm saying,  
Even though the night is filled with voices?  
I remember ev'rything you taught me  
Ev'ry book I've ever read  
Can all the words in all the books  
Help me to face what lies ahead?  
The trees are so much taller  
And I feel so much smaller  
The moon is twice as lonely  
And the stars are half as bright  
Papa, how I love you  
Papa, how I need you  
Papa, how I miss you  
Kissing me goodnight... _

            The press room was settling down, questions were coming at a less rapid pace (That being five question every twenty seconds rather than fifty). Just as C.J. was about to wrap things up, Danny threw out a question,

            "How does Josh feel about Tori dating Mark Jackson?"

            "Mark Jackson?" C.J. asked, incredulous. In her head she was running the name through all of her mental files…she knew there must be something about this guy Jackson… "Mark Jackson, as in Senator Jackson's son?"  
            "Yes, that would be the Mark Jackson I'm talking about."

            "Senator Jackson of Maryland? Republican Senator Jackson of Maryland?"

            "Yeah, that sounds about right to me."

            "Well, Josh feel the way any father feels about his daughter dating somebody, he's happy for them and, uh, hopes that their relationship flourishes."

            "C.J.!" Josh came storming through the staff bullpen, as C.J. was making her way out of the press room. "C.J.!"

            "Yes Josh, I know! Please don't yell because I assure you everything I just said, I wish I hadn't said and…"

            "I hope their relationship flourishes? First, I didn't even know there was a relationship and second, if I knew there was I most certainly wouldn't hope for it to flourish. In fact I would hope that it would wither and die and that Mark Jackson might be castrated so he could never hope to date me daughter again and taint her with his republican whatever!" Josh was throwing his hands in the air, waving madly and frantically.

            "Are you done?"

            "DONNA!" He pivoted, and nearly ran into his assistant, cowering slightly. "Get Tori on the phone."

            "I already did, she says she going to stop in here after class." Josh and Donna headed back to his office, where Toby was standing, the society page of the Washington Post in hand, a picture of Tori holding the hand of Mark Jackson on the top of the page.

            "Can't you, like, I don't know, inform us when your daughter is dating the sons of important Republican senators?"

            "Trust me, had I known, I would have not only told you but stopped it in the first place." Josh sat at his desk and let his head hit the wood with a thunk. "You know, I thought the benefit of having her transfer to Georgetown would that since she would be closer to me and I wouldn't have to worry about her as much."

            "Well, that plan kind of backfired, didn't it?"

            "Yeah."

            "Josh?" Donna came back into the office, "Tori's here." Tori stepped into the office and put her book bag down on the ground.

            "Next time you have a conniption, could you call me when I'm not in class?"

            "Yeah, next time you start to date a guy and decide to tell me."

            "What?" Tori turned as Josh motioned to the paper Toby was still holding. She, gap mouthed, stared at her picture. 

            "So when were you planning on telling me about Mr. Republican?" Josh asked, but didn't wait for an answer as he continued, "Why can't you just date democrats? Is this some kind of teenage rebellion? I handled the Green Partiest, I handled the Libertarian, hell I even handled the anarchist, and that was a pretty big feat for me…" Tori interrupted him,

            "I tried to tell you about him. Maybe you should listen to me next time."

            "What – no you didn't." Josh laughed uncomfortably, and looked at Toby for sympathy, "No she didn't." Toby rolled his eyes and sighed as Tori said, 

            "Yeah, remember last night when I said, 'hey dad, I think you should know who I'm about to go on a date with.' And you said, and I quote, 'at the moment, I couldn't care less about the shmuck you're about to see. Tell me later' end quote." Tori crossed her arms, and gave him a mock smile. The motion of Toby hitting himself with the paper was then followed by him also hitting a silent, jaw dropped Josh with it and then walking out of the office.   

            "Well, I care now." Josh finally managed. 

            "And now you know." Tori picked up her bag and started to walk out. 

            "Wait, wait, wait," Tori turned around, "Well, you aren't going to keep dating him, are you?"

            "Yeah, actually I had planned to."

            "Well, you can't."

            "Why not?"

            "Because he's a Republican"

            "And…"

            "And…he's the son of a Republican."

            "Are there any reasons that don't derive out of his or his family's political affiliations?"

            "Sure…his family didn't vote for the President."

            "Well, ok then." Tori began to walk away again, but was followed by Josh. 

            "No, seriously, this is bad."

            "Why? Do you think he's dating me to find out some secret Democratic strategy? Because, even if there was one, which I know there isn't, I wouldn't know the first thing about it and I really doubt that he would care about it." 

            "No, because I don't like his family and this is just another thing that Senator Jackson can use against me."

            "Listen, I'm not dating Mark Jackson out of spite for you, or out some kind of inherent need to rebel. I'm dating him because he likes the same music I like, and he likes to do the same things that I do and he makes me happy. And as far as I know, that why he's dating me too-so I would appreciate it if you could just accept this current relationship of mine so that it perhaps won't go down in flames like the rest of them have."

            "Okay." Josh relented, sighed inwardly. "Just promise me, you'll date a democrat before I die, okay?"

            "I can't."

            "Why not?"

            "They're all too much like you." She grinned at him, and before she left she added, "Oh, by the way I think the Jackson family is inviting us to have dinner with them some time next week, so keep your schedule open. I'll tell Donna." And then left Josh gap mouthed without the time to properly protest. 

            Transferring to Georgetown was the only way Tori could cope with nearly losing Josh forever. Come fall, she couldn't stand the thought of having to leave him for weeks on end, even though she knew the freedom she had in Penn would now just a memory. But for all Tori gave up in her privacy, she was rewarded with now being able to secure her ties to Zoey and her father. There was comfort in Georgetown, thought she was confined. And though Tori missed Eric, Jon and Julia she found the opportunities for her as a performing artist rivaled those she encountered in Penn. The bustling music scene provided her with ten times the venues and gigs then before. But with that increase of opportunities for creativity came the increase opportunity to find trouble. She was no longer afraid of the ways to escape the confinement; seeking freedom in her mind, even if it was often induced by pot or alcohol became a way out for her. Living with the fright of losing someone every time she closed her eyes was softened by the hazy highs she found on the weekends. She did it not to rebel against her father but to find a way to help herself when she knew that he could not.

            Sometimes, though, Tori felt that it wasn't enough. Dulling the pain was not as good was numbing it, filling the emptiness halfway wasn't as good was ridding her body of it. And so she secretly sought something darker, something more filling for her ever increasing appetite. 

            One nighttime in December found her at Mark's mansion in Maryland, sitting in his living room, vacant of every family member but Mark himself and Tori lying on top of him, wearing his Georgetown shirt. The room was dark, filled with the night without the millions of eyes of the stars. 

            "Feeling adventurous tonight?" He asked running his hands up the shirt, over her bare back. She smelled his heroin breath and felt foreshadowing needles scratch her in the dark; she saw two sitting on the table under the only light in the whole room. The silver needles sparkled with a dangerous beauty, the clear liquid inside looked so clean and Tori immediately wanted to dive into it. 

            "I'm feeling lonely tonight." She answered, reaching up and grabbing the syringes. "You're parents not coming home tonight?"

            "Not until late." He sat up, pushing Tori off.

            "Sounds like my house. That's why I moved out." She wrapped her arms around his neck and whispered in his ear, "I'm always alone that way."

            "Not tonight." Mark grinned, as he injected the liquid into Tori's arm. 

            But the darkness was too dark for Tori, the warmth was too warm. She felt tired rather than comforted, heavy instead of relaxed. Nothing was her own in this state; her emotions were gone and replaced by an unnatural glow. She didn't like the stinging in her arm or the bruise it left her the next day when she woke up, mouth dry and brain hazy in Mark's bed room. Struggling to get dressed, Tori felt a need for the drug, even though she didn't like what it did to her. She left before Mark came out of his stupor, shaking slightly and felt emptier than before. Looking at her shadowed face in her rear-view mirror, (it refusing to be warmed by the autumn morning/afternoon/evening light) Tori's fogged brain muttered to close off that method of sedation. She didn't need to be drained of any more emotions than she had already been drained of. Search for something better was the only coherent thought she had that day, as she drove back to her apartment, knowing that her roommate (what was her name again?) would be out with Charlie for the day. Why that name came out with moderate coherence, while her other connections seemed dangling by ripped satin ribbons, Tori hadn't the energy to figure out.  So she went back to her empty apartment and slept off her new hunger. 

            In the morning, Tori woke up to Zoey knocking on her bedroom door. Drowsy, she got up and opened the door, where Zoey stood, a phone in her hand.

            "It's Josh, he says Happy Hanukkah." 

            Tori stared at her for a moment as the realization hit her. She slowly took the phone, "Happy Hanukkah, Dad." Tori said finally. 

            "Come over and we can light the menorah together."

            "Okay." Tori smiled a little - that was at least something Donna couldn't help him do. So Tori drove over to her father's apartment and together they light the first candle and prayed,

            "_Baruch ata Adonai elohanu melech ha olam, asher kiddishanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu l'hadlik ner shel Hanukkah._

_            "Baruch ata Adonai elohanu melech ha olam, she asa nisim l'avoteinu, bayamim ha-hem, bazman ha zeh._

_            "Baruch ata Adonai, elohanu melech ha olam, sheheheyanu, v'kiyimanu, v'higiyanu, lazman ha zeh."_

And hoped that everything they said was true. 

            That evening, Tori was cooking latkes and fried turkey. Josh had invited Toby, because not only was it untraditional to celebrate alone it was very lonesome. He also invited Donna because she had little else better to do that evening. 

            When Tori arrived at Josh's apartment, he opened the door with a victorious grin on his face. 

            "What?" She asked, smiling herself, infected with his happiness.

            "Come and see your present." He opened the door wider, which reveled an upright piano, shoved against a wall that was previous covered by a bookcase. 

            "Oh my God!" She cried, holding a hand to her mouth, staring at her first real piano in all of its dark maple glory. She turned, and threw her arms around her father and muttered, "Thank you!" before rushing to the piano and beginning to examine it. 

            Josh sat on the back of the couch and watched her, feeling the heavy sadness of the past three weeks lift for a moment, feeling the scar on his chest vanish and time move back three months before he was shot and their whole world came crashing down around them. 

            Toby came bearing jelly doughnuts (which were immediately stolen by Tori) as well as Sam and C.J.

            "I hope you don't mind that I brought more company." 

            "Of course not - I just hope we have enough food." Josh answered, smiling and happier then he had been in a long time. 

            "We should be okay. But these doughnuts are off limits until dessert." Tori called from the kitchen. 

            After dinner (which was assembled with the help of C.J., Donna, and supposedly Sam, who mostly stood in the background and made encouraging comments), everyone helped themselves to the jelly doughnuts while Tori played "Mi Yimalel" on her new piano. 

            "Toby, you should sing." C.J. offered, "Since you're one of only three people in this room who actually know the words."

            "No." Toby said, gruffly.

            "Oh, come on! Get in the spirit of the season!" Sam added, eyes twinkling with good humor. 

            "No!" He re-emphasized. 

            "Oh, I'll do it!" Tori called, before beginning, "_Mi yimalel g'vurot Yisrael/Otan mi yimneh?/ Hein b'khol dor yakum hagibor, go-el ha-am._"****Who can retell the things that befell us, who can count them?/In every age a hero or sage came to our aid

            "It's probably better we didn't hear either of them anyways." Sam joked, as Tori's melodious voice rose through the room.

            "_Mi yemalel g'vurot Yisra-el/Otan mi yimneh/ Hein b'khol dor yakum hagibor, go-el ha-am**.**_"****Who can retell the things that befell us, who can count them? /In every age a hero or sage came to our aid

            "Yeah, we didn't want to hear you sing anyway." Donna said, turning to Josh. But she was not meet by an arrogant remark. Rather what she saw was an ashen face, and eyes that stared into the horrors of the past.

"_Sh'ma__! Ba-yamim ha-heim ba-z'man hazeh/Maccabee moshiya u'fodeh_" Hear! In days of yore in Israel's ancient land/Maccabeus led the faithful band

Josh was lost in Rosslyn, lost in the darkness of his pain and the sounds of the sirens…the sirens that almost sounded like Tori's voice. He gripped his scar, now bleeding the memory, and unable to be healed by reality. 

            "_U'v'yameinu__ kol am Yisrael/Yitacheid yakum l'higa-el."_ Now all Israel must as one arise/Redeem itself through deed and sacrifice. 

            When the piano stopped, Josh excused himself and went to the bathroom, splashing his face with water, hoping the wash away Rossylyn, like the doctors washed away the blood. But his reliving of those moments couldn't be drained down the sink, just merely pushed aside and hidden behind the mask of his recovery. 

            It was December 23rd and the Congressional Party where cellos and gunshots filled Josh's ears and he sought sanctuary in his apartment. The darkness seemed contained in the apartment, contained within Josh, contained within his scar. Stumbling towards the window, he thought to break the pain, fall into the night and be consumed by the stars. 

            Shattered glass mixed with blood, mixed with Josh's agony and confinement. He wanted to die because he had lost the ability to move forward in life. 

            "Oh boy…Oh God…" Josh's bear breaths the words and then suddenly there was a voice. 

            "Dad? Dad?" Tori's muffled calls pounded against the wood, into Josh's mind. "Dad, open the door I forgot my key!" Her cries were becoming loud, frantic, panicked. "DAD! DAD!" Josh just stared at the door, blood staining his white shirt and tie, sirens within his mind.  "Dad, can you hear me? Open the fucking door!" Her fists were pelting the door, "Don't do this to me…please…daddy…" Josh finally opened the door and Tori fell in on him. The warm blood touched her cold skin, and she pulled away and stared at his hand, and then at the broken window. He was going to leave her…

            As Tori drove Josh to the emergency room, the voices that filled the night were silenced as memories and fears invaded her mind. Snow lined the streets white, made the night seem darker, the stars seem less bright…how could he leave her like this?

            Christmas Eve came, Dr. Keyworth came and Josh's disease came. Induced by music, Keyworth told him, it sounds like sirens. Josh came home and stared at the new piano, not even a week old, Hanukkah sheet music standing out white against the dark surface. Tori would be devastated. 

            She didn't say anything when he told her; she just nodded and started to cry. Music defeats him again, again, again…and now she truly was alone, alone with her music and for once without her father. How would he make it back to her? 


	12. Chapter 10 Silence is Golden by Garbage

Chapter 10 – Silence is Golden by Garbage

A/N: Warning!! Chapter contains adult matters (namely sexual assault) 

_if I am silent   
Then I am not real   
If I speak up then   
No one will hear   
If I wear a mask there's   
Somewhere to hide   
  
Silence is golden   
I have been broken   
Safe in my own skin   
So nobody wins   
  
If I raise my voice   
Will someone get hurt?   
And if I can feel it   
I won't get touched   
If no truce was spoken   
Then no lies can hide   
  
Silence is golden   
I have been broken   
Safe in my own skin   
So nobody wins   
Silence is golden   
Nobody gets in   
Safe in my own skin   
So nobody wins   
  
Did you hear me speak?   
Do you understand?   
Did you hear my voice?   
Will you hold my hand?   
Do you understand me?   
  
Won't someone listen   
Nobody gets in   
My body's a temple   
But nothing is simple   
  
Silence is golden   
I have been broken   
Something was stolen   
Safe in my own skin   
  
Safe in my own skin   
Won't someone listen   
My body's a temple   
But nothing is simple   
  
My body's a temple   
But nothing is simple   
Something was stolen   
I have been broken   
  
I have been broken   
Silence is golden   
I have been broken   
Safe in my own skin_

"Do you want to see the guest list for the fund raiser?" C.J. asked Toby, holding out said piece of paper. 

            "No, but I will." Toby took the paper and scanned it over quickly, but his eyes stopped at a certain name. "Richard Firman is coming?"

            "Yes, he called and confirmed a few days ago. Do you have a problem with that?"

            "Is he in D.C. yet?"

            "I doubt it; the fund raiser isn't for another week."

Toby paused, considering whether to divulge his instincts or not. Finally, he said, "No." But as C.J. left his office, something was biting him in the back of his mind. A distinct _what if_ feeling was sweeping over him, then washing away and then coming back and finally, with a jolt, Toby got up and made his way to Josh's office.

            "I don't want Richard Firman at the fund raiser."

            "What? Why? He's our biggest individual donator."

            "This is going to sound…well…I didn't like the way he looked at Tori."

            "What?"

            "Your daughter, I didn't like the way he looked at her."

Josh was looking at Toby with skeptical eyes.

            "Tori's not even going to be at fund raiser…are you worried that…"

            "I don't know, I just don't like the man and would prefer he wasn't in D.C."

            "Oh, well…" Josh's voice faded out considering what Toby had just said. "you know we need his money…"

            "I know, but don't you think, just for once, integrity should hold more weight then the size of his wallet?"

            "Toby, we can't just call Firman and tell him 'well, you can't come because Toby thinks you're kinda of sleazy'. If we alienate and insult him, we're going to lose his support." Josh watched Toby, the internal debate raging, his eyes darker and his face near emotionless but for a slight wrinkle in his forehead. 

            "You're right." Toby said, and then left abruptly. Josh sat back down at his desk and wondered why he always had to choose between being a good father and a good politician, and knowing that they wouldn't ever be one in the same.

            Wednesday nights were calm nights for Tori and Zoey, nights when they could diffuse until Thursday. Often they went to see opening movies; the darkness of the theater usually concealed them giving them the anonymity that they rarely experienced. 

            Walking out of the theater one night, laughing their way home, their mirth was disrupted by an unwanted face. Richard Firmen was stalking towards them, and Tori immediately averted her eyes, and moved closer to Zoey and Gina. She felt his gaze as he moved past and tried to immediately push his whiskey voice and dark look out of her mind.

            The next day was the busiest day of the week for Tori. The Music Center, where Tori volunteered, was a place where underprivileged kids could come to take music lessons for free. Tori was the head piano instructor, and as such, took on much heavier responsibilities then the other piano instructors.  Thankfully, she shared this weight with the other six head instructors, but was still responsible for putting in a full eight hours on Thursdays rather then her usual one. 

            It was a little past six when she was heading out of the Center, mind racing and eyes glued to the sidewalk, so her thoughts could run rampage through her mind without the distractions of the street and its dangers. 

            Sara, a student Tori had taught for five years, just confided her worst secret; Sara was pregnant and without a father for her baby. Tori stumbled towards her car, concentration delved into a realm she had never seen before. Perhaps that was why she never heard the deep, oily voice in her ear until it was too late…

            "Toby!" Bonnie thruster her head into Toby's office, "Please don't yell at me, but I just remembered that you had a message from this morning from Greg Marks telling you that the new questions for the polls are in and need to be looked at."

            "Bonnie…" Toby's voice was thick with annoyance, but Bonnie cut him off,

            "He's staying at the Hyatt, and I just called and he said that you could meet him there in twenty minutes." Bonnie barely finished her sentence before Toby had grabbed his coat and was out the door.

            Tori's mind was blurred, words racing over images, emotions overriding reason…her whole being telling her that _this couldn't be happening_…but then it was. Then there was gun concealed, gentling pressing into her back as her body fumbled its way around a hotel lobby she knew but couldn't remember…only the word _victim _screamed inside her head…_victim_ and in those first moments she felt herself hoping to refuse residing to the name. 

            There were thoughts that came into her mind, while this greasy, clean cut man stripped her of the title of normal and left her naked but for the sheen of tragedy that covered her skin.  But, as he stole away all of the remaining purity inside of her, Tori had but one option, wear the mask of silence and wear it well. All Tori allowed think about was _why? Tragedy seemed to pleasure itself in seeing everything her soul contained drained but for a silent rage that now boiled inside. _Why am I always the victim? __

            Body broken, temple raided she managed her way to the door, limbs sore, body aching and face emotionless. Nothing was left in this shell that used to be Tori.

            Toby walked into the Hyatt expecting nothing more then a few papers with questions like: Do you approve or disapprove of the job Jeb Bartlet is doing as president? But what he really found was Tori, limping as if her whole body was too heavy to support through the lobby. His mind shut off all reason to allow the flow of violent wrath to have room to flood. 

            "What has he done to you?" Toby's yells lit the lobby on fire; his anger was absorbing the anger that Tori held boiling inside. Toby didn't need an answer from her, the stone faced disbelieve, the face that read _victim was all the answer he needed. He hollered at the front desk, call the police, arrest Richard Firman…Toby's rage was releasing itself in manic yells and charging back with the thoughts of how Fiman would suffer for this crime…but mostly, Toby yelled so that the voice in his head that said _what if_ could be silenced. _

            Josh was at the hospital again, this time clutching his daughter, hoping that the tighter he held her the more he could protect her against the world, hoping that his embrace could speak all of the words the lump in his throat could not. When she did not say anything, the doctors said it was normal, the shock would wear off into heavy depression, they recommended a physiatrist; Josh said that he knew a couple already but knew that a few visits to the shrink wouldn't be able to recover what was stolen. 

            He knew now that this was what must bridge the gap between them; that each time tragedy hit they were pulled apart then haphazardly through back together. Tori lay her head on his shoulder and Josh muttered,

            "I'm here now, it's okay. I promise I'll never try to leave you again." He knew now that it was a promise he would have to keep, their souls couldn't endure life without each other any longer, but he felt Tori pull away, for the first time in her life, she was walking towards the edge of the bridge, rather then trying to pull her father back from it. 

            Frightened and alone in her own mind, Tori felt herself being led to her father's car, led into her father's house, led into her old room, still vibrant with the burgundy pink paint, the eclectic decorations that  spoke to Tori and told her what was suppose to be inside of her. But there was nothing now, nothing but the fury that lay low and unheard within her. She slept surprisingly well (maybe Valium helped) and woke up with the naïve hope that the darkness that grew overnight could be conquered by day. But a home forced to be silent, a home continuously silent…it was the quite that destroyed Tori, made her desire to fill the emptiness with noise, while Josh longed for that vacancy of remembrance, not being able to stand the overflow of memories that came with music. Both father and daughter suffered from their psychosis separately but identically.

            "Don't blame yourself." Donna said softly to Josh that morning, handing him some papers and a sympathetic face. "There was nothing you could do…"

            "No, Donna…there was everything I could have done and I did nothing." He didn't look at her as he grabbed the papers and mindlessly began to handle them. He saw Toby walk by the office door, face exactly like before, but with the furrowed brow of guilt instead of concern. They meet eyes; Toby not understanding the fatherly devastation that he saw in the endless amber of Josh's eyes, but he felt the culpability pulsing its way through both of their veins. Nothing we could have done, Toby thought to himself, but saving her from the tragedy he foresaw.

There wasn't any punishment on earth that could reverse what Richard Firman did to Tori, that punishment lay in the hands of God, and Josh received no satisfaction when Richard was thrown into jail months later and Tori was still vacant. But unknown to him, she was filling herself with substances that promised to make her feel lighthearted and weightless, promised to fill her head with such a high that she could forget that Richard Firman ever existed. No one could save her now, not Josh, not Toby, not Zoey…now that she was lost in a white powdered label that read _victim nothing was going to stop her, not even her own need to be wanted. And Zoey watched her dissolve, desperate to repair the damage, afraid to expose the deception, eager to do what a best friend was suppose to do, but without anyone to turn to. Tori hadn't let go of Zoey; they clung to each other while the raving mad world spun around them, but Zoey knew that when she looked into Tori's eyes, that half of her had been stolen, and that the half she so desperately tried to reach, was so high in the sky that even the sun was unable to warm it. _


	13. Chapter 11 Bottle up and Explode! by Ell...

Chapter 11 – Bottle up and Explode by Elliot Smith

_bottle up and explode over and over keep the troublemaker below  
put it away and check out for the day  
and in for a round of overexposure  
the thing mother nature provides to get up and go  
bottle up and explode seeing the stars surrounding you  
red white and blue  
you look and him like you've never known him  
but i know for a fact that you have  
the last time you cried who'd you think was inside?  
thinking that you were about to come over  
but i'm tired now of waiting for you  
you never show  
bottle up and go, if you're gonna hide it's up to you  
i'm coming through  
bottle up and go, i can make it outside  
i'll get though becoming you  
becoming you  
becoming you___

            Zoey sometimes felt like that if she didn't tell somebody what was happening to Tori she would explode. But every time she felt the anxiety rising to the top of her throat, Tori came home smiling, and acted as if she had once again found life, to only, days later, have lost it again. This type of behavior carried on for a couple of months after the rape until one afternoon, Tori walked into their room and said,

            "I broke up with Mark." 

Zoey, putting down her book, said, "Good, I didn't like him anyway."  
            "No," Tori paused, "No, you wouldn't."

            "I just didn't think he was really…supportive of you, you know." Zoey looked at her best friend closely, but Tori's eyes were clear, her medicated smile gone, she just stood there, as clean and whole as one could be in her position. Zoey's heart was ripping with the knowledge that everything Tori was going through couldn't be helped by her, that the violence of existing as she did was due to poor mental stability being suffocated by horrible conditions. With pursed lips, and tears in her eye, Zoey stood up and embraced Tori, who felt the warmth of love gave her a momentary wholeness no drug could replace. With a sigh, Tori said,

            "Thank you for always being there for me."

            "Count on me always being there, okay?"

            "Okay."

* * *

            Sam was feeling alienated and disconnected. The drop in on the CARE speech was repeating itself over and over again in his head; echoing with such power that even his two beers couldn't silence it. The dim lights made his mind close off to the rest of the room, as he sat in a deep leather chair, vaguely noticing the other bodies that moved around him, each lost in their own agendas unaware of the lone man who had a bruised ego and no one to tend to it. 

            Sometimes he missed Tori so much that he would risk everything to just talk to her, to find a way to head back to the campaign where everything was held in the space between their bodies as they talked in a hotel room. In the past, all of the feelings, their illicit future was contained in flirtatious, but innocent conversations where Tori always kept her distance, always sat while Sam always stood…in fact, Sam thought, Tori had always been reserved, always kept herself in check. But now, now that so much had happened Sam didn't know how she would act if he just showed up, lonely and hurt looking for nothing but the companionship she used to give him. 

            Putting the bottle to his lips, but not drinking, he felt the need to find Tori, the old Tori, the Tori he knew three, almost four years ago, and he thought he might explode if he couldn't. 

            Walking hastily through the streets, Sam left Toby and the sitting audience in the bar, searching and searching for why he still waited for the past to come back, knowing that it never would, knowing that what he now attempted was stupid and dangerous, necessary and innocent. Reaching Tori and Zoey's apartment building, Sam stood on the street, the stars surrounding him like thousands of tiny reasons for why he shouldn't step inside, but the darkness was over taking reason and he made a move after several minutes towards the door, when suddenly it opened.

            "Sam! What are you doing here?" Zoey stepped out, her wool coat unbuttoned, and her car keys dangling from her fingers. 

            "I…uh…" Sam scanned the environment for an answer and found nothing but a pair of eyes that shined like stars from a window several stories up. "I…er…wanted to see how Tori was…" Sam watched Zoey's eyes darken with understanding. 

            "Sam, I don't think she should see you." Her voice was questioning, like she wasn't quite sure she had the right answer. 

            "Is she that bad?"

            "She's been holding everything in, you know. And I think if she saw you…it might all come exploding out." Zoey bit her lip, unsure and worried. Sam opened his mouth to argue, but decided against it. He looked up to the window and saw a flash of black hair retreating back into hiding. Curtly nodding, Sam began to walk away, knowing that she was avoiding what was potentially the only way to heal. She couldn't always run from her demons, and here was an angel willing to become her, to find her, to rescue her. 

            Zoey, stepping into her car, questioned everything she just did. It wasn't healthy for Tori to hide from the darkness inside of her, even if now she was clean of the substances that helped her blanket the pain. But Sam wasn't the one who was going to force her back into the light, Zoey knew that. The burden, the responsibility of entering into Tori's silence was all Zoey's, and even though Sam and Josh were both filled with love and concern for Tori, Zoey knew that she was the only one who truly would be there for her tonight, tomorrow morning and every day and night after that. Becoming Tori, entering Tori, was Zoey's concern and everything that plagued and haunted her, needed to be concealed from their fathers; rage had already landed a prominent Bartlet supporter in jail; rage had already defaced him and consumed his accuser with guilt. Yes, Zoey thought as she drove to some unknown destination, she was only one would wouldn't let Tori bottle up and explode with the hurtful and harmful emotions, she would help her in the only way she could, by just being there, like she had always been there, and promised herself and her best friend, would always be there. 


	14. Chapter 12 Live in a Hidding Place by I...

Chapter 13 – Live in a Hiding Place – Idlewild

_There are times that I should try, to be so much more alive__  
But if time was right then I would be with you again  
Or do you worry that I try to avoid the point and then deny  
The time I spent deciding it was you again _

_It's when I live in a hiding place__  
It's the only way I feel safe  
When I'm safe in a hiding place  
(that's not hidden now)  
I'm safe in a hiding place  
It's the only way I feel safe  
When I'm safe in a hiding place _

_And you're full of facts but not things that could add up to words__  
Think about meaning more as an after word  
As in afterward _

_I return but don't remain, I'm impatient for a reason __  
To complain about winter, making me see through again  
Or is it your damaged reply, that makes me realise that   
The more I try the less that plans will help me comprehend again _

_That's why I live in a hiding place__  
It's the only way I feel safe  
When I'm safe in a hiding place  
__(that's not hidden now)__  
I'm safe in a hiding place  
It's the only way I feel safe  
When I live in a hiding place _

_And you're full of facts but not things that could add up to words__  
You think about meaning more as an after word  
And you're full of facts but not things that could add up to words  
You think about meaning more as an after word  
As in afterward _

            The lamplight flooded Tori's desk, spilling on to the floor, creeping up the walls and casting shadows across the room, where she could not see them but felt their presence nonetheless. Illuminated words filled her mind, then flowed through her pen on to paper, filtered and analyzed by her jittery mind, and soon the paper was filled with scratchy lines about how Ritie was misplaced in the world, how she managed to hold on to an identity that was nearly stolen while the poem echoed in Tori's mind _"What you looking at me for? I didn't come to stay ... "_

            "Tori!" Zoey's voice shattered the resounding, bouncing thoughts, and Tori called back,

            "I'm in my room!" and turned, anticipating Zoey to come through the door at any moment. 

            "Watcha doing?" She asked, coming just as Tori expected. 

            "Notes for African American Literature 45." 

            "Ugh. Every day you remind me how happy I am that I decided not to major in Comparative Literature."

            "But just think how neat it would be to have all of your classes with me!" Tori joked. 

            "I think I'll stick to French."

            "Yeah, well, I don't like it that much either, but you know Georgetown doesn't even offer a music major like Penn did." Tori sighed, and closed her copy of I Know Why the Cage Bird Sings. "Which I think is half the reason why my dad was so happy that I decided to transfer here. At Penn, the major was intended for students who wanted to pursue music as a career; here music study mostly focused on theory and history."

            "Which is what Josh wishes you'd want to do."

            "Basically." Both girls paused, knowing that they could possible be opening a wound that never fully healed, and Zoey quickly pushed on, trying to move off the topic.

            "I did have a reason for interrupting your homework. They're going to be screening a movie tonight in the White House theater, my dad wants me to come, you wanna come too?"

            "Sure, I need a break from this anyways." She motioned to the book, which Zoey hadn't noticed until now; she read the title and felt the grim perfection of it. Tori watched her and said,

            "I find it comforting, really." Her voice was soft, almost indignant, as if she had to justify her passion for the book.  

            "That's good." Zoey said sincerely, and the two girls sat there for another moment, feeling their friendship strengthen and solidify, feeling the foundation of comfort and history between them and knowing that, for now, it wasn't going to be broken. 

            Tori sat with her father in the movie theater (the girls decided to grace their father with their presence) and wondered how long it had been since she had sat with her father for this long a time span. Weeks, perhaps even months, since they had had more then an hour here and there to see each other. The strength of their relationship, once, twice, thrice founded on tragedy was now weakened because of it. Strange how 20 miles between their apartments made all of the difference, strange how much Tori pulled away at Josh's aggression and violence towards her rapists…the silence of Josh's apartment, though better for his disease was destroying his heart. But she was improving, ever so slightly, and Josh's heart was lightened at the sight of his daughter, safe and protected, sitting next to him in the White House.

            When the movie was over and the lights came back on, ushering out the dark, Zoey raced up to Tori's seat and said,

            "Me and Charlie – "

            "Charlie and I," Sam corrected from his seat in front of Tori.

            "Charlie and I," Zoey exaggerated the line, smiling, "are going out to a club, you want to come?"

            "No, I have to finish those notes by tomorrow morning; I should get that done first."

            "Okay, but we'll walk you back to the apartment, so you don't have to go alone." That was Tori's newest fear, walking alone at night.

            "No, no you don't have to do that. I can walk her home." Josh said

            "You can't, you have to work on the budget with Leo. I'll do it." Sam said with finality in his voice. Tori felt the butterflies run through her veins, then felt the anxiety rise in her throat.

            "Gee, I feel so loved." She said softly, trying to hide her shaking voice, trying to avoid Sam's eyes. She felt Josh relax next to her – this was Sam, his best friend, the man he would trust with his life, with his daughters life and yet…

            Sam and Tori walked out of the White House together, feeling pins and needles stab at the space between them, egging on the silence and completing the mutual attraction each still held for the other. 

            "How's school?" Sam asked as they came to the end of Pennsylvania Ave.

            "Fine."

            "Your classes going well?"

            "Yeah." Tori was searching for the stars to fill the empty sky with lights, rather than the glow of the street lamp shading the sidewalk from the dark. She found one star, faded and small, far away over the apartment buildings, flickering weakly fighting its way out of the night. She took comfort in that star, knowing that the city's brightness was defeatable even if by a small victory.

            "You would think after nearly a year, you'd stop trying to avoid me." His voice was hurt, bruised by Tori's avoidance of conversation.

            "A lot has happened, Sam…"

            "None of which would justify your trying to avoid me."

            "Have you ever listened to a song that touches you and moves you so much that every time you hear the song, you're transfixed?"

            "Yes." 

            "And then after awhile you stop listening to the song and it kind of fades from your mind, except for that little memory of how it made you feel so different?"

            "Okay."

            "But when you hear the song again, even after not listening to it for a long time, everything about it still moves you," Tori took a breath, "that's what your like, Sam."

            "And so you've continued to avoid me?"

            "It's been hard for me, Sam! I've gone through a whole lot this year and my never-ending feelings for you really don't help matters much."

            "That's not it, and you know it. We've always been able to disguise our past, that hasn't changed."

            "Okay, so tell me what has?"

            "You've changed you've hidden behind that excuse. I know you, and this isn't like you."

            "What isn't like me?" She said mockingly. 

            "This mask you've covered yourself with, this silence, this…everything. You've isolated yourself from everyone, not just me, from Josh and Zoey…you've even stopped showing up at the Music Center."

            "How did you know about that?" She asked quietly.

            "Zoey told me." Sam paused, "We're worried about you. We want to help you."

            "I know." Tori said the words so softly, they almost got lost in the night. "But…"

            "But what?"

            "You can't. I've watched everything I love fall by the wayside and now I'm just bruised and broken and alone…the only comfort I take is in playing my music and now even that is fading. I'm afraid to play at dad's, Georgetown's music minor is a joke, the Center is surrounded by a bad memory and this fucking stupid fear of being out at night has stopped me from performing. What's left for me that you can help?"

            "Me. I'm left." Sam stopped walking, and faced Tori, his eyes soft and his lips turned into a sad smile. 

            "Sam, please don't do this to me. We can't have the relationship we had before." Tori felt her body go numb with his sheer brilliance. Sam put his hand on her cheek, and let it rest there for a moment before saying,

            "You know I found out that my dad has been having an affair for 28 years."

            "Yeah."

            "And when I heard, everything just crumbled. My whole life, which I thought just set in stone, and couldn't change, changed. My past, the only thing that I thought was for certain was now just a lie. My dad, my hero, was a liar and a cheat. And I almost exposed the past of another person's father, even though it would ruin his life, just like I ruined mine just because I was so angry with my father for betraying us.

            "But I knew I didn't need to hurt another person just because my father hurt me. And so after that I called my dad and talk to him for awhile, and he told me that he was sorry and I told him what his affair did to me and mom…and I realized that there was no way for me to change the past, no way for me to change what my dad did to my family. It happened, and that was that.

            "I didn't like being in the dark, and that's why I called my dad. I know you don't like being in the dark either." 

            "Stop, Sam, just stop." She turned and began to walk on, not trying to leave him, just trying to move him forward, "I don't need you right now, in fact you're the last thing I need right now."

            "You know that's not true. Everything you said before proves that. You need me like you needed me during the campaign, when Zoey was gone you came to me. But you and Zoey can't shoulder this burden alone." Sam began to walk after her, "Look, I'm not trying to get you into bed again; I'm trying to help you. You're in pain, you're confused, and you've pulled away from everyone you love…"

            "I don't love you anymore, Sam." She muttered.

            "You can't say that." His voice was slightly raised, "Love doesn't just come and go like a car."

            "This from a man who's been engaged…"

            "You've got to open yourself up. You can't keep running like this." Tori was silent, there was nothing that she wanted to say to Sam, everything was too sensitive, too vulnerable. She wanted to be in his arms again, feel his protection and his safety. And she knew he was right, she knew that, like that one weak star, it was possible and necessary for her to defeat the night.

            "Please talk to me." Sam pleaded after several minutes.

            "I've been getting better." Tori nearly whispered. "I stopped blaming myself, at least." And suddenly, everything fell apart, the walls, the masks just collapsed around Tori as she started to so. Sam held her, there on the street, only three blocks away from her apartment, just held her and felt everything explode from her body. Zoey was wrong, Sam thought, wrong to think that I shouldn't be here with her. Maybe now things would be okay, and I could move on and find my own way through the dark.

            Tori sighed in his arms, and looked over his shoulder to find the star, but it was gone, swallowed and consumed by the glaring lights of the city and the ever-growing black of the night. 


	15. Chapter 13

Chapter 13 – 

_A/N: I finally moved into the university! So inspiration for this story has been going slowly since I've only seen half of season three, I have to wait to see the whole Bartlet-MS trial thing in order to write about it. Don't be surprised if I don't update for a while, but know that I'm always thinking about the story! This chapter is going to abstractly cover a large chunk of time, and basically closes off the first half of the story. Huzzah!_

            Worlds grow slowly, taking billions and billions of years to be created. Land masses form out of bacteria or micro bodies or God's tears, and amidst one connecting ocean of water trees grow from dirt, grass takes root and slowly, ever so slowly, flowers bloom and life is born. 

            Worlds evolve slowly, taking billions and billions of years to form into what humans see them as today. Humanity is born out of destruction. After death and nature had wiped out all of forms of life, Humans rose to become the gods of the land, then fell and rose and fell and rose…this is the way of creation. Tragedy breeds miracle, breeds tragedy. 

            But human life moves quickly through this ever-reaching growth. Days and seconds, hours and years are but moments in the eyes of God. And He works in strange ways. Filling human life with moments and memories inexplicable in nature, filling life with pain, agony and tragedy, giving humans a mind that only recalls the terrible situations in which we endure, the terrifying worlds we slalom through. Moments of happiness are fleeting, while stretches of sadness are paralyzing. And God gives no explanation, and seems to revile in punishing us and revile in praising us. It is a strange life humans led. And so it was for Tori, who was now crawling back from the edge, who now blinked and squinted as the light flooded into her world, guided to humanity by the three she loved and feared the most. Worlds rise and fall, rise and fall…like the stars, like the sun, like the moon, and like life itself. 


End file.
